Saturday, October 07, 2006

Jesus wants me for a sunbeam...

No, this is not the song I woke up with. But it came to me whilst washing my hair in the Poconos, back in August (has it been that long?).

A sunbeam shines. A sunbeam cannot administer anything but beams.

And so it is with me. I cannot fix anyone, nor should I. (I have this meglomaniac ego that if I don't do something, it a) won't get done or b) won't get done right.)

The moon is full. It is morning, and I know the sun has risen in the east, and outside my window, to the west, I can see the full moon peeking behind my neighbor's tree.

Off I go to the third and final day of The Heart of the Emergent Church. Last night, instead of getting there early enough to go to Applebees for dinner, I mistakenly drove PAST Zelionople (FAR, FAR away) and so had enough time to go to Target and get my necessaries and a hot dog for dinner.

But first my walk. I generally walk east, but I wonder if I walk west I'll get to see the moon...

No, I need to walk east. I need to see my gardens. My heart aches for Warsaw. (I bet you no other blogger says that more than once in her career...)

**********

'm back. Terzo is getting christened this weekend. Last night in the conversation about "Missional in the Suburbs," David said something that hit me, just as I danced past a woman scowling at me in a car. (Hey--it's a free world.) The attractional model says "Behave first, then we'll accept you." The missional model says, "I'm coming to you, where you live. You already belong, because you belong to me." Is there any dearer way to say this than to a child who doesn't have even language to say no? It's like the Runaway Bunny.

Carrots, anyone?

And yes, I'll be late to the third day. But the prayer last night made my heart curdle, though it tried to have the opposite effect. You can't microwave a moment. Elijah only heard the "still small voice" after an earthquake and a storm. It was a prayer that didn't take into account that I would be driving home alone after having a married man look at me "The way God sees that person." And the thing is, the woman who said the prayer is single too. She should have known better. Or maybe I am still learning how to protect my heart--I shouldn't have sat next to that man.

And a wise woman once said, "It's your retreat." Well, I paid my $16. I showed up last night and the night before. I needed to take my walk and spend some time with God as I haven't been able to the past coupla days. I needed that much more than I need to hear what Doug Pagitt has to say about the Emergent church. I'm sure he will be wonderful. (HE IS TALL!) But I needed my refreshment. I needed my best friend to play tennis with me. I needed to cry and to laugh. And I didn't know it, but I needed some dogs to smile at me. Which they did.

I am Sarah Louise. I chose this city. I chose to be far from my family because I love the geography of Western Pennsylvania--it feeds me. I am a writer because "a writer writes." (and rewrites--this has been gone over now three times at least.) I am a photographer because my mom gave me her brownie camera when I was a girl. But often enough, I am also an orphan. I try so hard not to be.

And my darn car no longer gets AM radio, so I will have to catch The Fantastiks in its matinee, tomorrow. When I'll be making a feast for church. We'll be practicing the practice of "Eating." Hmm...what will I make? (I won't tell!)

4 comments:

PJ said...

I'm happy to see you putting yourself first just a bit.

It's a lesson we all would do well to learn.

MsCellania said...

You ARE a sunbeam, HoneyBun!

And yes, yes, yes; always put yourself first. Otherwise, you come from a place of inequality, and can never balance. It took me So Long to learn this.

wilsonian said...

Praying that you find the refreshment that you crave...

Sarah Louise said...

Life sucks it out of you and then asks for more. But I think this is my last day of hormones...