A new year's resolution? Walk more, write more.

Yes, I see how you might think that those are two separate resolutions but they are not. They are my morning ritual, and I miss them dearly.

Via twitter today, found this post about journaling, which breaks the process into levels, such that if you are timid, you can start with Level 1 first and then expand.

Blogging vs. Writing...

This is an interesting development.

I never knew Jose Saramago was blogging, but hey, he's stopped to finish his novel.

I have been trying to post to this, while trying to work on writing.

Not saying that I'm stopping, but I'm wondering.

Even though I went walking this morning, and was thinking of blogging. But I came home, and nothing.

Except some pictures (which I will try to remember to post) and this great quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.

“Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.”

If I thought I used up all my words, I was mistaken

It's 11:30 a.m. I have been sitting here since 9:30 more or less, doing the 2.0 thing. Email, a letter to the neighborhood list-serv about salting those sidewalks, please, Facebook, Twitter, commenting, etc. etc. etc.

It seems like I've gotten "nothing" done, but I have. I just haven't retrieved clothing from the dryer, done dishes, or taken my morning shower.

There's a line from Jerry Maguire with the ladies in the living room, and one of the ladies says, "I've finally gotten in touch with my anger!" (For film buffs, that woman is the screenwriter/director's mom, who apparently gets a cameo in many of his movies.)

Well, I've been getting in touch with my emotions lately. It's not just hormones that have made me write a letter last Monday to the person who flamed me on Facebook (and late last week, un-friend him). This morning I opened an email from a friend and smiled. As I started to reply, I thought of how I want a big party when I'm 50, whether or not I get married. And then I started to tear up. So I deleted that part of the email response. Then I went to a friend's video of she and her dad dancing at her wedding (sort of) and I was all teary until the music kicked up a notch.

I'm learning that it's okay to get grumpy, and angry, and express that anger. What a relief! After years of laughing it off, or saying it doesn't matter, I am faced with real things to be upset about (unsalted sidewalks in a neighborhood with a lot of foot traffic), real things to be wistful about (friends dancing with their dads at their weddings), real things to laugh at (BJ's sermons always have something that make my signature laugh come out), and my goodness, I'm cold.

I need to get my apartment in enough shape that my landlord can take the window a/c units out and I can cover the windows with plastic. It won't do a ton, because this house has no insulation and as the garret apartment, all my walls are outside walls, but every little bit helps.

I need quarters so I can do more laundry.

Which means I need to get started on this day.

I heart the fact that this qualifies as a blog post, this stream of words that gets somewhere, even if that somewhere is the warm shower.

Peace out,
Sarah Louise

When I was younger, so much younger than today...

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so today I'm borrowing Badger's NaPoBloMo theme and using lyrics.

I have set a time clock and I will live by it. Right now I have 13 minutes to write this post. I may come back in the afternoon and edit it, but if I want a walk, and I do! I do! I have to get ready for work, drive to work, and THEN it will be light enough for me to take a walk.

So I've made a decision: to buy a two year car. Like a 96 or 98 with high mileage, something I won't have to borrow money to buy. Because I have credit card debt that I also need to address, and going into more debt doesn't make sense.

GAH. This is not what my father and I have been discussing. I think he will understand, and I do have someone here in Pgh who can look at a car and make sure it's not a lemon.

But I'm scared. I love the phrase from this song,

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Wow. I went off on a tangent... (just deleted a whole paragraph, something I've been thinking about.) I just gave myself 5 more minutes and I realize I can take a walk here and then go to work, it's light enough out there to walk now.

And if this song is about drugs, keep it to yourself.

Well, there goes the time clock again. My aim is not to have a great post every day, just to have one. So there you go. And there go I. Off to WALK.

Fear=false evidence appearing real, or shadows...

It has been many days since I've had a morning walk.

And I'm grumpy--the light is changing, my life is changing, the towels need changing...

(At least I can do something about that last one.)

My walk is a devotional--it is a place where I hope to find myself and my God. I listen to worship music in my cd-player as I walk down past the tennis courts, into the park proper, up the stone stairs, through the grass where I look at the gingko tree planted in 1941 in honor of a Peabody High School biology teacher. I take lots of pictures of leaves shaped like hearts, because they remind me that I am loved.

Today, when I saw the shadow of the horse statue, I was reminded how silly some of my fears are--that I'm afraid of my own shadow, and of other people's shadows. It brought to mind this verse from Isaiah (my favorite Bible book), a verse that I first discovered during some hard times my junior year of college.

Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help,
who rely on horses,
who trust in the multitude of their chariots
and in the great strength of their horsemen,
but do not look to the Holy One of Israel,
or seek help from the LORD. (Isaiah 31:1)

May I always seek help from my Lord. May I not be afraid of shadows. May I move forward, "despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back" (Erica Jong)

*************

Oh, and on my walk, I passed one more pregnant lady (and her husband, walking their dog.) So I'll add her to the list of babies we're waiting for.

Lilies of the valley mark my garden wall... (updated)

Well, they are morning glories and this is not my garden wall, but a fence along my morning walk. But I really want to keep posting pix, so I AM!

My new schedule is rigorous--I now work split Tuesdays and Thursdays,* but it means that I work in both depts. on Tuesdays--I always felt behind when I started in Children's on Wednesday, often the first order of business was prepping for the Mother Goose storytime.

And tonight was the last Beth Moore Breaking Free study meeting. I have a few videos to catch up on, but my Wednesday evenings are my own once more (when you work Tues/Thurs eves, it's a lot to be out Wednesday night too!) Morning Women's Bible Study starts up next Tuesday. This upcoming Tuesday is the breakfast. I'm taking muffins.

Okay, to bed.

Oh, but WOW! I leave the blogosphere for a few weeks and Eliza Jane/Amy has moved to Michigan, Newlywed is about to pop her baby, and all the chilluns are back in school!
____
*split between the two depts I work for: Tech Serv, where I catalogue, etc, and Children's, where I run programs, and other stuff. So I work, say, from 1-5 in one dept, have dinner, and then work 6-9 in the other.

(So I don't actually work a split shift, just the day is split between two departments within one actual shift.)

Songs in my head...

I often wake up with a song in my head. (I don't wake up to an alarm--I generally wake up around 6 or 7, and that's good enough for this time in my life.)

Yesterday I don't know if I woke up with it in my head, but the song I couldn't get rid of was, "Tears on my guitar." Well, and Mr. Eighteen Years Ago did break my heart. Broke it so well that I have been searching for pieces of it in every nook and cranny. And filling up the holes with not so healthy substitutes.

But Mr. EYA (eya, I like that!) wouldn't have been able to break my heart if I didn't have a longing to be loved. Which goes back to other stuff--no offense, Sis, but it was hard to be a teenager in a house of toddlers. I do not blame my parents, who did the best they could, but I longed to get out, to get to college, where I could have conversations at dinner. (The rule was we could only discuss what everyone could discuss.) (When I was fifteen, Sis was five. Bro was four. You do the conversational math.) (So all those people that think, "Oh, SL, your dad was with the govt, I bet you had heated political debates...No. Every night, I said, "This is a good meal," and that was the end of me talking aloud. Inside I was planning my escape.) (Sorry for all the parenthesis...)

These were the words I woke up with in my head this morning: "To know and follow hard after you." Thank you God for the Internet, I was able to dredge the rest of the lyrics:

Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after You (lyrics here)

Lyrics later in the song (I feel like a detective, piecing this all together) are these:

This world is empty, pale, and poor
Compared to knowing you, my Lord
Lead me on and I will run after you

I keep having to relearn this one. I know it, but I often don't act it out. Lead me on is one of my favorite Amy Grant songs, but I won't go off on that tangent right now.

So what is my morning routine? (I knew you were going to ask!) (Well, I'm telling you anyways!)

I get these emails from Suzanne that are portions of books. You choose which kind of book you want, and they send you the equivalent of five emails of that book. Knowing me, c'mon, you aren't surprised that I chose "Christian non-fiction."

So Thomas Nelson sends me portions, and Suzanne tops it with her little column every day. She had a doozy of a day yesterday. The mosquito repellant she used attracted mosquitos by the droves and to calm the welts on her legs her husband gave her toothpaste instead of hydrocortizone cream. "So--I'm still itching, but at least I smell minty-fresh and my legs are tartar-free." She ends each column with her tagline: "Thanks for reading with me. It's so good to read with friends."

So this week the book I've been getting portions of is God at your wits' end by Marilyn Meberg. It's the story of her child with spina bifida and how people kept saying "It's your sin (as parents) that has caused this disability in your child." I love how she says "NO WAY JOSé!" (Figuratively. I don't think she said it literally.) In yesterday's portion she said if that was the case, EVERYONE'S child would be in crutches. And today she really brought it home. She started with Abraham, went through to Moses, and then finished off with Jeremiah, Ezekial, and the letters of Paul. This woman knows her stuff! I'll give you a little synopsis.

(Tell me you didn't see this coming--I mean, I woke up with "to know and follow hard after You.")

Okay, so Abraham gets the promise. "I will establish My covenant between Me and you and your descendants after you throughout their generations for an ever-lasting covenant"
(Genesis 17:7 NASB).

Then Moses gets the law. God said, "Now if you will obey me and keep mycovenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the nations of the earth; for all the earth belongs to me" (Exodus19:5).

The people think this is great. We know the rules, we're gonna follow them. But they discover that while they can decide to not steal their neighbor's wife, they can't stop thinking about her.

Marilyn puts it this way:

But all the people found it impossible to keep from breaking the rules having to do with their minds, perhaps thinking thoughts such as, "I can stay out of my neighbor's bed, but I can't keep her out of my head. I can keep myself from stealing my neighbor's kinnor, but I can't help coveting it." (Sorry. I had to throw that in when I found out a kinnor had ten strings that were tuned pentatonically without semitones. Mercy! If I can't have semitones in order to tune pentatonically, I don't even want a kinnor!)

I'm sorry, but that gave me a giggle.

So here's the thing. God saw they couldn't keep his commandments, so he gave them a new covenant:

The new covenant promised divine enablement. It promised the Spirit of God would literally be poured into the hearts of His people, giving them power to obey.

This comes in Jeremiah 31:33: "I will put my laws in their minds, and I will write them on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people."

and Ezekiel (Lilly's favorite book.) "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. Your
filth will be washed away, and you will no longer worship idols. And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony heart of sin and give you a new, obedient heart. And I will put my Spirit in you so you will obey my laws and do whatever I command."

She goes on to quote Paul:

This second covenant points to the future role of Jesus, not only for salvation, but for victory. It is clearly stated in Romans 8:1-4:

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ
Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through
Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of
Moses could not save us, because of our sinful nature. But God put
into effect a different plan to save us. He sent his own Son in a
human body like ours, except that ours are sinful. God destroyed
sin's control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins.
He did this so that the requirement of the law would be fully
accomplished for us who no longer follow our sinful nature but
instead follow the Spirit.

How's that for great news? You and I can't keep God's laws. Not keeping God's laws is sin. The wages of sin is death. Jesus died for that sin. We are not condemned for what we can't do. Mr. Davidson liked to say, "God will punish them for their sins." Jesus says, "Not over My dead and risen body!"

I like that. Jesus saying "Not over My dead and risen body!" It did, it gave me a giggle. The good news is so good.

Rules aren't going to un-break my heart. But the love of God, the love of Jehovah Rophe (the healer, rophe means to mend, stitch by stitch) can work at it. And stitch by stitch takes longer than SHAZAM! but I'm pretty stubborn, so I guess it's good that God doesn't just zap me. He takes a long time because I take a long time.

Oh, look at the time. If I'm gonna walk, I have 10 minutes!!

Housekeeping at ze blog n'at

So, a few things. I've updated my profile (twice--I added the bit about having a dark side after one of the ACK! posts last week).

I've added my "cockroll picture" and link to Schmutzie's roll--it's a whole stamp out cancer thing, which I am ALL FOR. Plus, she and her hubbie are BOTH great writers, they'll be on the rolls soon.

After all the blog rolls (which I hope to update/reorder soon...) I have two more new items, which also need updating, books I'm reading and items lost in my garret.

I took a long walk today, even walked the "family" stairs (I started praying for families about eight years ago when my current pastor was going through a divorce, and I prayed for them while I was on these stairs. I took pictures,* but I'll do pictures tomorrow.)

It felt good to walk. My legs still feel it, and I've been home, messing around on blogs n'at for at least a half hour.

*Whenever I take pictures now, I think of the captions I'd give them if I had a cool photoblog like Paula's. Like the stairs would be "Stairmaster" but they're these moss covered stone stairs...and the water fountain would be "Oasis." Caption-making makes me smile.

As you were. I'm off to get ready to go to Sewickley. The mileage this week is going to be out there. A trip to the moon, a trip to Sewickley...oh, and Monday I was bored and wanting Abate (which still isn't open?) so I drove out to Pittsburgh Mills. I had dinner at Red Robin.

HOW DID IT GET TO BE 10:18??

Sunday morning...

Okay, so I had a few mojitos at the tapas party and so when I came home I was in no shape to continue cleaning up the mess. I fell asleep to "My Music" on PBS which meant that I dreamed that Wayne Dyer was talking to me after my trip to Ireland (sorry, couldn't find a link for the show, but it felt like it was a long time that I was in Ireland.)

(When will I learn to put the SLEEP function on anytime I lie down on the couch, just-in-case??)

I think I'll go for a walk. I may go see Premonition again this afternoon...I finally found someone else online who liked it. Okay, my IE just went wacko--soon we'll be switching over to XP...I heart Foxfire--no wait, those are the books...well whatever this browser is that I use for blogging. I use IE for email b/c Yahoo and my work email work better on it. (My work email HATES Fox-whatever.)

Off to walk...

It's this or the walk. The walk wins.

Catch ya on the flip side.

P.S. If you want an amazing chick flick -- possibly a date movie -- I mean, Jack Black is in it -- and the evil guy from the Illusionist -- I recommend The Holiday. Hey, even a guy commented on imdb.com that he liked it, who doesn't generally like romantic comedies.

Kate Winslet. Need I say more??

The walk. Yes, the walk. But it's grey out there...oh, right, I live in Pittsburgh. Oh, I think it's snowing!!! See ya!!

HOPE is the thing with feathers

HOPE is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all... (Emily Dickinson)

On my walk, I said Happy New Year to all, and they to me. It's around 50 degrees (Fahrenheit) and quite nice, although the wind'll hit ya! Everyone was out walking their dogs.

Any day that I see men playing tennis in the park side courts, I have hope. And what a better way to start the new year, than with hope, and joy.

Resolution: to get better at taking pictures of people with my digi camera.

In the desert prepare the way for the LORD...

(Isaiah 40:3, NIV)

I had a plan...to use the rest of the imdb.com quotes from A Charlie Brown Christmas for titles until Christmas came. But a lot of the quotes are long, so I decided not. But they're pretty good anyways.

This morning I used my remote control (that's what it's for) to turn on my stereo and grabbed my Bible, which opened to Isaiah 40. The book of Isaiah is my favorite. It is what got me through my senior year of college. It is what has gotten me through a lot.

This is my favorite verse (of all time).

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out." (Isaiah 42:3, NIV)

I so often feel like this--a bruised reed or a dimly burning wick (the RSV wording). It's basically saying the same thing as the New Testament verse, 1 Corinthians 10:13. But there's less poetry. I'm all about poetry, folks.

"No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it." (The Message)

But GUESS WHAT? (back to poetry--or rather photography.) This picture was featured in a post in October. I wrote that it mirrored my mood at the moment.

Well, yesterday was my first walk in AGES! And guess what? There's a new garage door! I could have danced the Snoopy happy dance! Plus I took more pictures too.

Isn't it purty? Shiny and new--it's like an early Christmas present!

This is me, holding a piece of ice from Lake Carnegie (yes, that's it's actual name, though it's really a pond) that is triangular in shape. I dragged out my Joy bracelet and am wearing it until December 16, as a memorial. I love ya, sis!

Doesn't this look like a picture postcard?

The triangular piece of ice, sans my hand. Check out the tiny feather (left side).


I set it free (it was stuck behind a rock). There were other triangular pieces--I wonder if that's a thing about ice, physically speaking.

Practicing in belief: 6 impossibles before breakfast

Woo hoo, I had an amazing walk. And I believed in at least six impossible things. Go forth and do likewise...

Things we do around heah (new meme!)

Badger-->MsCellania-->Blackbird--->me!

• BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS!
• especially Eat Cake, Dicey's Song, and Girl's Poker Night
• Audio books in the car
• Wendy's for lunch--ice tea, please!
• Drive used cars
• Buy cut flowers
• Listen to a myriad of radio stations ranging from nostalgia to "variety" and including country
• Church on Sunday evening
• Morning walks
• Taking lotsa digi pix
• Staying in touch, whether by email, cell, or telephone. (In person trumps all these, though.)
• Tea or coffee at Tazza
• Cinnabons on occasion (for Miz S)
• Movies in the theatre, reading all the credits.
• Movies at home, again and again and again.
• Friends, Sex and the City, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and Crossing Jordan (once they bring out the new season...)
• Sandcastle, at least once every summer
• Ice Skating

It's FRIDAY!!

So, I'm 99% sure that I'm going to Light Up Night. On my ride to work I chatted with Dana, a family friend, who has a gingerbread house in the gingerbread house competiton. It's a Victorian house with a turret and a two story porch.

Dana brought me up to speed on her family news and my family news (she and my cousin were best friends in high school) and her son Cameron made chatter in the background.

She has caller ID, so when she picked up the phone, she said, "Hey girlfriend" and Cameron said, "Who is it?"

I had a long walk today. I did not do the stairs. There is a house for sale by owner...I might call to see what they're asking...AFTER Thanksgiving.

Already I have way too much just in the next three days:

• Tonight: Light Up Night
• Tomorrow after work: catch up on homework for Beth Moore and Stewardship classes...
• Sunday: either go to Stewardship class or go see bagpipes at Bab's church...
• Monday: still don't know if my therapist has decided to work next week...

Plus, I have to pack for the BEACH (I have my quart size baggies--now I have to see what toiletriese are permissable for carrry-on for my flight from Pittsburgh to Myrtle Beach.)

Oh, and I have to figure out if I'm going to have my mail held at the post office while I'm gone and whether I'm driving to the airport....

But did I mention, IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For lunch, I'm doing Chinese (it means I'll have Chinese for dinner). And I need to start pushing paper on the CD-ROM order now that I have made my selections...

Oh, and I saw a very fat cardinal just as I pulled into the parking lot. I almost missed it because it was the same color as the leaves on the bush. Oh, and I saw three blue jays on my walk.

AND DID I MENTION IT'S FRIDAY?????????????

NaBloPoMo...all the coolest bloggers are doin' it!

So what is NaBlo...

It's this cool thing that's getting me visitors from all over, that's what! Basically, instead of writing a novel in November (that's NaWriMo) we are all saying we will either post every day or de-lurk every day. How's that de-lurking workin for you? Well, I have had three new folks this week, so I can't really complain (but I'd love to, because I'm in a choice mood...)

Since I already have 401 posts for 2006 and there are only 365 days in the year, it's pretty obvious that I didn't need this to keep me blogging. But I do feel a little more responsible, esp. since this has been the BUSIEST week ever!!

I'll try to post the NaBloPoMo participant thing-y later, when I'm at home. Yes, I'm blogging on library time, but I'm watching the desk at the moment and the most strenuous question I had so far was, "Can you confirm that this is the #4 Harry Potter book?" which I did.

Procrastinating? You betcha!

Let's see, do I want to procrastinate searching for reviews for CD-ROMs or do I want to procrastinate prepping for the poster session at PALA (Pennsylvania Library Association Conference) on Tuesday? Neither. I just want to be. For one minute, if that is possible.

I woke up in time to have a lovely walk, I ran into a woman that I haven't seen in person for at least a year, but who has networked me to find my writing coach for when I prep for the Carlow M.F.A application. Belinda is a great gal who has a business helping businesses with their writing and she used to go to Bellefield. Her daughter is now 12! Which is amazing, since I remember knowing her before she had a child!!

But then I got stuck in the foyer cleaning up the mess of mail and then it was 9 when my lovely Mary Kay consultant was due to bring my stuff. So I ran upstairs, changed my shirt and shoes, and proceeded to wash my face and yes, apply foundation and powder! Jordan showed up at 9:20 because she had forgotten which block I lived on and I gave her a hug and showed her the rejected photos. But in the chaos of her being late, I forgot to pack my pills and give her the box of Rena Tarbet tapes (VHS and audio). Which means I'll
a) have to drive home for lunch (30 min each way, yum) and
b) contact Jordan to get the box of tapes to her. I do NOT want to take the box back to the basement, as my landlord suggested yesterday when he said the foyer is getting junky again.

(lalalala, I can't hear you!!!)

Last night instead of taking a half hour lunch (linner, since it was 5:30 pm) I took about an hour or more because I detoured--I dropped off stuff at Goodwill and then went in. I know. It's counterintuitive but I was so stressed I NEEDED some retail therapy. I got the best orange sandals which I'll photograph and show you later, lovely internets. They are SO CUTE!

I mean, I am like Oscar Junior--I want to bite EVERYONE's head off. I feel like I'm in this vice and I can't get out. Yuk. Maybe actually starting some work instead of procrastinating will help. One hopes.

Later, dudes and dudettes (I know, so five years ago!)

I am that girl that gets an ice cream cone in the dead of winter and stands in front of Jay's BookStall and eats it while reading the titles.

I am that girl...

...that asks for iced tea in November and drinks it, through a bendy straw as she walks the streets back home from Tazza...

...that says to a man walking his dog, "It's nice that it got warmer," when the temperature is 42 degrees...

(hey, my windshield wiper fluid lines were FROZEN yesterday--that has never happened before, yo!)

...that looks at the mom and child in Tazzo and while everyone is fawning over the child, I'm thinking, COOL COAT (on the mom). It was like tweed and embroidery and like a patchwork, but elegant...

...that shuffles her feet through the piles of leaves...the sound is like music. I remember building "leaf houses" with my mom as a girl and jumping, "ba-ba-boom" into the piles of leaves with my dad...

...that snaps one perfect picture of the gingko leaves on the sidewalk...

Blogging as a Spiritual Practice, and Listening

So, I've been cleaning out my work email, and came upon this link. It talks about journaling as a spiritual discipline and gives writing prompts.

This blog has become sort of a spiritual practice for me--if I'm writing only for myself, I save it on my PC or in my "drafts," but if I want to share my thoughts, I pen them here. This weekend at the OD retreat we're going to talk about the practices that define our community: listening, learning, eating, encouraging, giving. I said I would be willing to share a story on listening...

Writing is, for me, a way of listening to myself. Often I don't know what I think about something until I get it down on the page. That was certainly the case this past Saturday morning when instead of taking a walk, I wrote and wrote and wrote. And re-wrote--because all good writing is re-writing. I probably went easily throught eight drafts. And I read it out loud. And I timed my readings. And each time, I tightened the writing. And I stayed at my desk, writing, until I found the happy ending. I don't always have that luxury, of course, but it was nice that that morning I did.

My walks are another way I listen. I have a portable CD player that has its own specially decorated purse and it has one of three or four praise music CDs that I rotate on a semi-regular basis. Right now I'm listening to Surrounded, which is a CD produced by a praise team at Hope College. My brother gave it to me for Christmas a few years ago. For a few years, I walked the seminary nearby, listening and praying as I walked. But this summer I ventured east and now my standard walk takes me past the tennis courts and between the horses that guard the entrance to Highland Park. There are 17 tracks on the Surrounded CD and depending on the legnth of my walk, I may get through 5 or 8 or all 17. My favorite is an old hymn that recently has been set to at least one contemporary arrangement: Take My Life and Let it Be. It is the 5th track and often I will skip forward to it. We've been singing it to a different tune and arrangement as the benediction for our series on the Practices at the OD.

On the CD, right after Take My Life.. comes a spoken word piece from Psalm 139. "God, investigate my life..." Interesting that until now, I thought it was "God, you investigate my life." But the text, as I just pulled it up from Biblegateway.com, is "God, investigate my life," which is a declarative statement, a request. Other translations say "You have searched me..." or "You have examined my life."

Lately, I have had to listen harder. There's been less actual sound--today when I called to chat, all I got were machines. And I don't have my site meter up on the beta so I have no clue if yins really are showing up. (Although pictures of shoes seem to always garner comments...)

I've been learnign to listen to my body, which ironically often involves me chatting. Em will sometimes call in the morning and just listen as I try out ideas for the day. I'm learning that it's not enough to have a plan for the day--said plan may get thwarted, like today's plan to get ready for the retreat BEFORE work. (I snuggled under the covers, dozed into the early afternoon, as I fought my cold to the health of it.) Sunday I had planned to go to the 11:20 showing of One Night with the King at the Waterfront, but that was thwarted by my watch stopping. I was delighted that it was still 10:20 as I walked home from Tazza. I was surprised when I got home and realized it was already 11:00 and I still had dirty hair. So I changed plans and ended up going to the movies in the North Hills (where I pretty much live anyways) where I was able to rendevous with Eileen briefly before my trek back to the city. Saturday night, I was supposed to go skating. Instead, my body decided to take a nap. Which meant that I didn't miss a call from my dear friend Katie.

Today, as I wrote an email to Eileen, I realized I didn't have to be superwoman and be a driver for the retreat. Which meant a few things: I could wait to get my oil changed, I wouldn't have to study the map, and I wouldn't have to clear out my car! Had I not sat down to pen those words to Eileen, the thought might not have occurred to me.

Right now, my stomach is saying "I'm hungry" which it has every right to do, as my dinner consisted of a can of chicken noodle soup. I'll stop at Taco Bell on the way home.

And I feel like I'm running out of steam, big time. Sleep is calling me...I have 26 minutes left at work and then a half hour drive home and then a visit to Walgreens.

Listening suggests that there is something to be listened for. If a tree falls in a forest and noone hears it, does it make a sound? If there aren't ears to hear, is there sound?

Who do I listen to? I listen to my friends, I listen to my boss, I listen to my family, I listen to my body, and I ultimately listen to God.

I'm listening for you...are you there?

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

(Anaïs Nin)

Friday I heard Brian Collier speak. He is an African-American illustrator of children's books. His words ring in my head and in my heart. This is the refrain that I hear: Andrea Pinkney telling him to "Risk it all on every page." Brian said, "that rings in my head and in my heart" with every project.

These are some of the words that inspire me, that ring in my head and in my heart:

"If you don't want what you want, then you're not going to get it." (Madonna)

A pink tag from Bladerunners: SKATE AT YOUR OWN RISK.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands, stand firm on your shaky legs and mark out a straight smooth path for your feet so that those who follow you, though weak and lame, shall not fall and hurt themselves but become strong." (Hebrews 12:12)

"There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you." (Maya Angelou)

"I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change. I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back." (Erica Jong)

"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you." (Hosea 10:12)

"I don't know how to fight. All I know is how to stay alive." (Alice Walker, although in my brain I think Helen Keller.)

When I'm brave, when I remember who I am, this one reappears where it is generally written on my the inside of my eyelids in invisible ink:

"She is not afraid of snow for her household...she laughs at the time to come." (Proverbs 31:21, 25)

I took an abbreviated walk today. I got out there and realized that really what I needed to do was to get my thoughts down on.

So here it is, in black and white, on a pink background:

I am afraid you will leave me. It doesn't matter who you are.

The number of men I trust, four: My father, my brother, and my two pastors. The number of women I trust: a few more than four, and my mom tops the list.

I would rather leave you than you leave me. But I'd rather us stay. Unless I sense that you are going to leave me.

So when I went to an Internet Safety forum Thursday night and the evening's last speaker, Amber, a girl who was taken from her house because she trusted someone online, it brought up a ton of junk. At least 2,000 lbs, maybe more. "Have you ever had a man take your confidences, act like your best friend and then twist everything?" She asked us to raise our hands. I did. But she heckled us, because this was the North Hills, where everyone is so suburban and perfect so I might have been the only raised hand and no, I didn't raise it high. The other women in the room were most likely mothers, wives, and no one was sitting next to anyone they didn't know. "What, all your men are perfect?" she asked us.

My heart cries out: I have been betrayed. I have been twisted. "With a kiss" like the U2 song says. Sweet sixteen, never been kissed. Oh, to be 24 and be able to say that. But I'm past that now...

My first kiss, he later told me, expected me to slap him. For a moment, I am back there, in that dark auditorium, next to a boy who I had just met. I have two impressions of him. The first, from the previous day, when I met him: he was a jerk. The second, formed that night after he recounted to me his entire sordid life story, that he was okay. And then, in the dark of a high school auditorium with a band playing badly and loudly, he kissed me. I was too surprised to do anything but kiss him back. How I wish I had slapped him. How I wish I had had a hat pin (what our grandmothers carried to poke fresh boys that tried something in the dark of the movie theatres). But instead, I gave him my heart. And he never really took it, because he was also kissing four other girls. So my heart rested in the air, not in my chest any longer, and not in his heart. In limbo. It's a pretty painful place to rest--actually, it's not restful at all. Wondering if he's going to call, crazy glad when he does, waiting for that next kiss, stolen in the hall by the courtyard before lunch. Months of this before I woke up to the fact that my heart wasn't getting any actual healthy circulation, my heart was high and dry. I wish I could say I learned my lesson at 17. No, I gave out my heart again and again. And sometimes the boy held my heart, and sometimes I realized (usually too late) that my heart was getting unhealthy blood. I was Ophelia. I drowned, a lot.

Which brings us to present time, where I live my life like a normal person and no one knows that me, I do, I have black like tar secrets seething under the surface. Tar only bubbles up on the really hot days.

But in October, all bets are off.

I am tired of carrying around my suitcase of tar. I am tired of living as if I'm going to pretend to trust you and then I'm going to be broken hearted when you maybe disappoint me. I'm just trying to work this out. I'm ready to say, this is broken, please God, fix it! I'm ready to say, I AM BROKEN, PLEASE GOD, FIX ME!

"I'll shout it from the mountaintops" is a lyric from an old praise song. In the funniest movie I've seen this year, You, Me, and Dupree, Coldplay's song "Fix You" played in a particularly climactic scene. As the credits rolled, I knew I was looking for something. Because part of the reason You, Me... was so funny was because it was so true. It cut to the heart of all our insecurities.

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face

Lights will guide you home
And I will try to fix you

We all want the "happily ever after." We are Americans and we believe in the gospel of Disney.

"I will go before thee, and make all the crooked places straight." (Isaiah 45:2)

For a moment, I see God as a Zamboni driver, smoothing out all the ridges in the ice. The rink is empty and the ice is smooth. A song comes out of the speakers, "Take my life," and I go out onto the ice and skate as if my life depended on it.

What I do on Sundays

• Listen to Jeff Foxworthy. Today he talked with Blake Shelton, who had a song "Austin" out a few years ago. It's one of my dad's favorites. My brother now lives in Austin. (Oh, and I got to talk to him last night!!)
  
• Go for my morning walk. Sunday is one of the days I hardly ever have a morning thing I have to be at, so I can be leisurely. Today I just did the west route to the Park. Now some of the dog women know me and wave. Their dogs smile at me. I smile back.
• Depending on my wallet, go to Tazza. Last time I went, I was reading The Myth of You & Me, a heart wrenching novel about a friendship that was great and then broke. I sat there and cried, wiping away the tears. (I have set that book aside for a while.) Today I got my Tomato and Cheddar samwich and read about Bob O'Connor, our late mayor. Hey, I saved the paper from September, I'd better read it, huh? When I finished that, I continued with Riding the bus with my sister, by Rachel Simon. I cried, wiping the tears with the white square café napkins. Then, as I was gathering up my trash, I noticed someone that looked familiar--it was Jake, who used to work with me at Fox Books! He's a poet and teaches at Pitt, so we talked about writing and life. I haven't seen Jake since right before I moved to Virginia, so like eight years!
• (Sometimes) Go to the movies and/or watch a movie at home. Today I think it's Jerry Maguire at home and if I go out, either The Illusionist again or One Night with the King. But I really want to laugh, so it might turn out to be Little Miss Sunshine (this would be #3?).
  

Then of course, 6ish, I head over to the OD.

If I get inspired either today or tomorrow, I'll pull out "favorite posts" and snazz up the sidebar. I am liking Blogger-beta. I realize there are glitches and annoyances, but that's why it's called BETA, folks!!

Oh, and last night we had a real frost. Oh how I love the cold weather!!