Four guys smiled at me today (from Fall 2001)

This is a piece I wrote when I was in grad school, when Zach lived downstairs and I was his "mistress." (Oh the sordid affair we had, a 30 year old woman and a 1 year old boy...he came to my apartment to watch my Muppet Show videos. I came to his appartment to watch Veggie Tales and to gossip with his mom.)

Four guys smiled at me today. One invited me to his church (which I suspect is a nationally known cult), one smiled at me from his car as I sat on the bus, our eyes following each other even as we were separated by opposite curves; one offered to buy me a coffee at Tazza D’Oro, and one tried to eat my red pencil. Three guesses who the last guy was. As I walked over to Tazza, as I prepared dinner, deciding that I wanted salad—I didn’t have to consider anyone else’s wishes for the meal. God willing, this will not always be the case. As I decided to not call my parents right after dinner, as I decided to watch Friends and then turn the TV off, I thought, these are “single” things. In a couple, I’d have to consider the other person. What do you want for dinner? Did you want to call the folks after dinner? What do you want to watch tonight?

Give up my freedom? You bet. Will I miss it? Oh yeah baby! Is it worth it for the right man? Yes. For the wrong one? How wrong? Unequally-yoked wrong? Co-dependent wrong? Unrequited wrong? No, baby, no way. Very nice, to be feeling and thinking these feelings and thoughts. Four men smiled at me today. And to each, I smiled back. It didn’t matter that I only wished to spend time with the youngest of the group. Smiles are free and it’s nice to feel desirable. The first boy that ever kissed me once said, “You’re really sexy. You don’t know that do you?” All these years later, I do.