And for the first time, I see that taking two weeks off (one pay period, essentially) would be beneficial--I mean, my favorite sandals have been ready for pickup since Saturday and I have forgotten to pick them up??? I screwed up and thought I had a doctor's appt today--no, it's next week. I am angry. I am irritable.
And I'm so scared that the fact that I can recognize how therapeutic two weeks off would be means that I shouldn't take the time off, that they won't let me.
Just got a well meaning email, "If you take time off, make sure you use the time off for the Kingdom..." (basically, don't wallow.)
If she had called me on the phone and said that, I am at the point where I might have hung up right then. Hello? I'm the one that's had a bipolar diagnosis for eight years, I think I know what I need to do.
What I don't need is people telling me what to do. I need hugs and lunch and people saying "There there, it will be better, by and by."
I get suicidal for like twenty minutes. And then I wake up and move on. Depression comes and GOES. It always does. But in the dark moments, I don't want to be sitting on the floor alone.
Apparently, most people do. Well, I'm not most people.
Things I take comfort in:
- breakfast with Emily (who is in town and since I screwed up the doctor's appt, I took the time to go to Ritters)
- The NLA tshirt that came in the mail (thanks to a little birdy...)
- I went to Whole Foods last night and stocked up. It is so good to have food in the fridge!
So far I know of two people that have had deaths in the family--it sucks. Even if it was "their time," it still sucks. And I never know what to say. But I always say something, because I know that I would want someone to stumble over their words if it was my mother in law or cousin, or whomever. We don't need perfect words, those of us that are hurting. We just need words.
Hugs are generally welcome too.
Oh, and don't worry: I'm taking all my drugs and I see my adorable Italian psychiatrist tomorrow. I'll keep yins posted.
7 comments:
It will be better in time, keep doing what you're doing to take care of yourself, take the time to do what you need, don't let the people who haven't been there keep you down.
There, there, it will be better, by and by.
Yay for food! Thanks for the reminder that food in the house makes things seem better.
*hugs* through the blogosphere
Keep plugging along..I know you can do it!
-J.
I'd give ya hugs and go to lunch if I were closer than 6 hours. And taking time off for YOU is taking time off for "the kingdom". Just my humble opinion.
{{{hug}}} Is that how you do bloggy hugs? I think I've seen that before.
You sound like you are on track, what with the friends and healthy food in the fridge.
Here's another long distance hug. If you need to take two weeks off you can do whatever you need, including wallowing.
I am sending you some virtual Zoloft. This is the magic stuff that really works.
Why can't you take time off? That stinks.
My word verif: is onwisgye.
Am I a wise guy?
Gosh, I miss reading a couple of days and you post all this.
Praying for you sweetie.
Oh, how's this for a word verif: pprayant (hmmmmm....)
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