Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sarah Louise and the city...

Well, we've already established that I only get 4 channels. (Well, sometimes five...) So I never caught Sex and the City when it was on HBO. I've only had my DVD player since March, so I hadn't checked out the DVDs. No, my introduction was a few episodes when it aired on TBS while staying at my parents. My Monday through Friday routine is: if I'm home at six and/or seven, I watch Friends. Saturdays at six, FOX showed two episodes of that show with David Spade...Just Shoot Me! which at first I hated but it grew on me. At seven, I would watch Friends. One week, I came home, turned on the TV, and David Spade was gone, and in his place was Sarah Jessica Parker and ensemble. So I became more entrenched in the lives of Carrie Bradshaw, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha. They show two episodes, from the same season, back to back, so you get a continuity of story. So now I really want to watch Season Six to see how it all works out.

So yesterday, feeling sorry for myself that I wouldn't be attending the Memorial Day picnic at the Creasy's new digs, I went to Giant Eagle and straight to Iggle Video, their video store inside the grocery store. I rented Sex and the City Season One, Season Two, Down with Love, and Mean Girls. So far, I've watched Season One, Disc One.

I like Carrie Bradshaw. She's a writer, and while she has an alarming addiction to expensive footwear, she seems like someone I wouldn't mind meeting for coffee.

When I was in high school, I had my first boyfriend the second semester of my senior year. This is my prom date!, I thought. No, I was his secret fling. He had at least four other secret flings that semester, all at the same time. So you can imagine that a girl might go to Cosmo for advice, if she couldn't talk to her mother. And I was scared. That I'd meet someone, and we'd have all those icky conversations about "Your place or mine," and I'd have to worry about diseases and pregnancy and...I was very relieved second semester of my freshman year of college when I became a Christian. Now I don't have to worry about all that! I just have to save myself...

Famous last words. I didn't date through college. My first boyfriend in Pittsburgh, a year after I'd graduated with my bachelor's degree in English, was bisexual. As in, not really interested in me. That was fine with me--I just wanted companionship. Which worked until he fell in love with me. It was a disaster. I had a few more disastrous relationships, until about eight years ago, when I had *the* disaster. I as good as had a ring on my finger when it became apparent that we wanted very different things out of life. I thought he enjoyed attending church with me. He was doing it merely to rack up points, which he would then later redeem. He required less sleep than I did, so he wanted to go out every night, or stay in. I unraveled. At first, slowly and then with more and more speed, until I was doing what is called in the mental health field as "rapid cycling." I was staying up all night and going to work the next day ENERGIZED. I was talking fast and then I was down in the dumps. After months of my saying "I think we want different things, I don't think this is going to work," he dumped me, when I was already in a trough. Luckily, my mother was already on her way to visit me from Virginia when I hung up the phone with Mr. X. I never got dressed, and answered the door wearing my nightgown. She had never seen me this way. I had never seen me this way. It was the beginning of my long road to an eventual diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.

My mother and I went out for dinner. We went to see "Good Will Hunting." As we waited for the movie to start, my mom told me about how offended she was when my dad took her to see "Raging Bull," because the language was so foul. Um, we laughed about that later. But the profanity in "Good Will Hunting" wasn't gratuitous, it was just the way those guys talked.

I haven't been in a relationship of that ilk for eight years. When I mentioned that on the phone the other day to Sally, she couldn't believe it. "And how many years since you graduated from Library School?" Four. She's the one with a five year old, which makes the counting easy for me...

As I watch Carrie, and Charlotte, and Miranda, and Samantha, shoe shopping, drinking their Cosmos (which aren't very established in the first six episodes), and dishing about men, I remember who I was when I dated those men. I didn't like what I became when I was with them: I didn't have a life, I had a boyfriend. I became consumed. It wasn't love, it was addiction. I am afraid of that happening again. I have a nice life. I have a garret that I adore, albeit dusty and cluttered. I have a job I like most of the time, albeit not at the top of the salary ladder. I have friends that I enjoy meeting for coffee, or for a morning of baking. Where would a man fit into this lifestyle? The old Sarah Louise would have dropped it all for that knight in shining armor. But the new me, the wiser me? I'm not so sure.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. But all this time in my apartment, drinking liquids, taking sauna showers, taking naps, has made me more contemplative. My English teachers were forever saying I was weak on conclusion paragraphs. So sue me, I still am.

13 comments:

blackbird said...

I think most people assume that the only way to feel fulfilled is with a spouse and children.
I think it's fine if you don't need those things.
That having been said - it isn't all Sex And The City out there.
But I suppose you know that.

Sarah Louise said...

I don't know what I want. I'm trying to figure that out. And I guess I'm holding out for something elusive...something I can't name.

Badger said...

I never seem to find what I'm looking for until I stop looking for it. Which sounds like crappy advice, but it's true, at least for me.

Oh, and the girl child is a rapid cycler. I didn't realize that could continue into adulthood -- I thought it was one of those things that presented in juveniles and not in adults. Yikes! Good to know.

MsCellania said...

SL, One needs to find their Bliss however they can. I have GFs who found a career, travel with friends and contemplative study vs. a relationship/kids lifestyle to be Enough. I know they grappled with this over the years (and their 30's seemed to be the most tumultuous), but they're really in great shape emotionally now.

I love my husband and my children. I didn't even know I wanted kids/marriage until I was in my 40's and I got accidentally pg. Long story short - I ended up marrying my dh for his insurance coverage! I still refused to move back into the house until he finished it. (This sounds alot more gold-digging than it happened, but I won't go into it here.) Anyway, I was happily living in my own space, totally loving my job, frequently living on the edge financially, and had found a really 'easy' place emotionally in my skin. I had been single for 2 months shy of 20 years. My Life was Great.

And it was. And you know what? So is being married and having kids. But not all the time. I read Kim's post with her 1996/2006 comparison, and about rolled off the sofa laughing! It's so true. I love my life now, but know I've lost a good deal of 'me' in the bargain. Some days I want to run screaming out of here as there is never any me time in the schedule. But that's my fault.

I think the dropping-everything-for-The-Man is very common. I sure wasn't fishing when dh got caught. I really could have cared less. I reckon you sound like you're about There. Look Out. You are going to be infinitely desirable. There is nothing more attractive than a Woman Who Can Care Less. Happy with Herself. The wondering why you aren't upset about being alone is about the middle of the I'm Fine With Me journey.

Oh, long way to say - I understand, I think, your journey. And you are still very young. Your posts sound joyful most of the time, and you have a great foundation. That's so much more than most folks, SL! Thanks for sharing this story.

And I'll end with 'keep your bullshit meter on full alert'. A woman who is dancing towards contentment emotes powerful pheramones. You are a precious jewel with a strong faith, faithful friends and loving family.

Joke said...

The trick is to find out what you DON'T want, and work from there.

-J.

MsCellania said...

Can you please insert another comment between me and Calvin Coolidge, there? Joke's sparse style has me looking like a ninny!

Sarah Louise said...

Vickee, don't worry 'bout it. (length wise comments I mean). And interesting, you are the second woman I've met this year who pregnant, married for the insurance coverage, so I totally understand the "non-gold-diggeryish" of it.

Thanks guys!

Oh and Badge: once you're on good meds, I think the rapid cycling thing takes care of itself. But repeat after me: A. Good. Psychiatrist. is. Worth. His. Weight. in. Gold. There are plenty of a$$holes that just prescribe meds. You want someone who cares about your daughter. And it's always good to have a psychologist who knows the psychiatrist. Believe me.

BabelBabe said...

SL - this sounds so cliched, but once you are happy being alone, then you can be happy being in a relationship. but not until. so you are on the road...

Sarah Louise said...

Thanks, Babs!

Amy said...

oooh, I so agree with Babelbabe. And I think you and I have a similar (sort of) history (married my college sweetie, only he turned out to be gay but it was the only real relationship I had had...anyway 'nuff bout me. The point is, I've been divorced for five years now, and I've dated during that time (including one guy I thought was truly THE ONE! oh, but he wasn't) but now I'm really quite happy being me. And being me all by myself. And I think I'd be a much better girlfriend now (if chance happened that way) than I would have when I was actively looking to be one.

You're on the right road and you're learning valuable lessons along the way! (me too!)

Erin said...

It's a tough thing, knowing what you want.

I wonder the same thing.
But I haven't turned any heads in a VERY long time, so I guess I have time to figure it out LOL!

Sarah Louise said...

e,

I think it's tougher knowing what you don't want...

and you haven't turned any heads? (I bet you just don't know you have.)

sl

lazy cow said...

You're a lot further down the track than my single girlfriends, who still think the answer to happiness is through a man (and they're all older than you).
I agree with those who said the most attractive thing is someone who is happy with themselves first. People always want to be around them. I know you'll do fine girl!