Monday, August 12, 2013

living the questions, now (Rainer Maria Rilke-ish)

I have a friend that reminds me when I forget.

Today, I groaned that all I did this summer was go to work and come home to watch Bones. She reminded me that I had done so much more.

There's something so personal about a personal blog, and there are some things I'm not ready to write about here. Anyways, if you know me, you know that this has been one of the hardest summers of my life, if not the hardest.

So instead, I will write a litany of who I am like, similar to an older post, where I list the things I say to myself, circa 2007.

I am like Skeeter, writing, not knowing if my writing will ever be read, writing, knowing that it is dangerous, wanting so hard to get out of the life I'm living, but not knowing how. Writing, just writing, and more writing. All the while, wondering if Hilly will find out the truth, and what that might mean. I'm also Minny, thinking that truth is so wonderful, and that I want my story to be told. A bit of Abileen, thinking that I'm done with new things. (from The Help)

I am like Dicey, in Homecoming, in Dicey's Song, and the other Tillerman cycle books.

“What do you do when there’s nothing you can do,” Gram said. “I dunno, I do something else,” Dicey said. (from Dicey's Song)

I am like Anne, who is thrilled to learn that tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in it. (from Anne of Green Gables)

I am like Pollyanna, who actually was a rather impish girl, not as boring as she sounds, playing the glad game. Why be glad someone sent you crutches instead of a doll? Well, be glad that you don't need the crutches. (from the book bearing her name.)

I am like Erin Brockovich, who sees a wrong and will not stop until something is done. (from the movie bearing her name)

I am like Carrie, trying to figure out love and lust and friendship. How does one sort out being a woman, find a good man, some good friends? (from Sex and the City)

I am like Brennan, nose in a book, missing the social cues. I am like Angela, after her boyfriend died in the desert, wondering if I'll ever find love again. (from Bones)

And I am me. Resilient, and not so delicate that I cannot change. But oh, how I resist it. Same same same, I say to all the good things that will not stay in my hands, like water through a sieve. Different, and now, I say to all the bad things that make me want to stay on my bed forever. But do not be deceived, dear ones. I have done so much more than stay on that bed. And I will do so much more again. Life doesn't slow down.

Tonight I walked the around reservoir. I hate to tell you that I was so tired that I sat down at every other bench, just about. But as I sat and walked, sat and walked, I thought of these women. And I did walk a mile, even if it took forty five minutes, because I kept sitting down to rest.

My mother would look at this list and also add Susan B. Anthony. So there you go. Go and do likewise. I'm just going to rest here for a moment.

Maybe I'll come back and link up the titles to Amazon or a library or something. Maybe I won't.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Twitter jail can be a good thing...

Until this afternoon, I had no idea who Hugo Schwyzer was. But I immediately recognized the anguish as I read a little bit of his Twitter feed today. Bipolar disorder is real. It is also highly treatable, but it often takes forever to get diagnosed. So in the middle, you can screw up a lot of things. But recovery is real. My life and the lives of many others are a testament that medications and therapy work.

I did a little research, and found this great quote from Sinead O'Connor, talking to Oprah about her experience with bipolar disorder: "Anything is an improvement when you've been in desolation, but it doesn't mean you don't have lumps & bumps."

Hugo's last tweet shows that he is moving in the right direction:

"I'm going to be giving my laptop to my family tonight so I can more effectively stay offline."

Best of luck, Hugo. It sounds like you have hurt a lot of people, but it also sounds like you are moving towards a healthier place.