Snow, more snow, etc. I'm waiting for the temp to go a little above 20 Fahrenheit before I go to the nurse practitioner, pick up drugs, etc. etc.
But seriously. I doubt you hopped over here to hear about me hacking out a lung. So I have a few items for what I'd like to call "Fun on Friday."
First up, from McCellania, a woman we have all come to love (though you can't find her unless you know the secret code...). Earlier in the week, she made us all laugh with old Hollywood Squares jokes (before it was scripted...) Here are a few of the gems she posted:
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
a few I've found, by going to the Classic Hollywood Squares website:
warning--Librarian Humor:
(A contestant named Rosalynn who's a librarian has picked the secret square for the second time.)
Peter Marshall: Having fun tonight?
Rosalynn: Yes!
Peter: Isn't this fun? I tell you...better than the library? (starts singing) MARION-- Rosalynn: Yes indeed, and don't call me that!
Peter: I'm sorry. I was talking about the librarian from "The Music Man."
Rosalynn: I'm not the image; the image doesn't fit me!
Peter: This young lady is lashing out at an emcee all of a sudden!
Joey Bishop: Wait'll she finds out the prizes are due back inside of two weeks!
Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.
Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.
Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the monster killed him. What?
Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.
Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat" mean?
Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson
[Sto lat means one hundred years in Polish and is a general song sung at occasions, such as birthdays or other celebrations, even political ones. --Ed.]
Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at Seventeen magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?
George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.
************
Next up, from a blogger I've only just discovered, "A Fuse #8 Production," a joke sestina. If you continue to read her site, you'll find all sorts of fun stuff concerning the recent scrotum Newbery debacle...
I mean, if all you get on the news is stuff about Anna Nicole's final resting place, school delays for Pittsburgh, and now on Ellen, Oscar predictions...
And from Badger, Little Pitchers. Don't you all want one? Or five??
And presenting my dear cousin Kiki, on the eastern side of this lovely state we call Pennsylvania, What kind of muppet are you?
Stay healthy, drink lots of tea, take two, and call me in the morning.
2 years ago
5 comments:
"Scrotum sounded to Lucky like something green that comes up when you have the flu and cough too much." (From Higher Power of Lucky)
So now we know what is wrong with you; you don't have a cold, you just picked up a little scrotum?
The book is geared to 9-11 year olds. At that age, there isn't any reason they shouldn't know the correct anatomic names for body parts.
In the similar absurdities, a theater in Atlantic Beach Florida changed the marquee listing for an upcoming event following a complaint. Really, can you take the Hooha Monologues seriously? This complaint started with a woman who's niece asked what the word meant. If you are old enough to read it, you are old enough to know whether or not you've got one!
I think the people who are trying to protect their kids are just adding to their confusion. If Don Knotts parents had let him read those words, maybe he would have gotten more sleep.
I know. You're preaching to the choir.
Sorry for the Rant. I should save those for my blog, which instead I try to figure out what to say.
Here's an interchange I actually remember seeing Hollywood Squares:
MC: Has Walt Disney ever made an X-rated film?
Paul Lynde: Well ... I thought Snow White and the Seven Dwarves was kind of kinky.
kk--it is a truth universally known that it is easier to write long comments on other people's blogs than compose posts for your own. (I am very guilty of this!!)
PB--hee! When did TV get so bad? (I mean, if you don't have cable, it's a true wasteland. I remember the Carol Burnett show...even SNL is...well, I try not to use that kind of language on my blog...
SL
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