Thursday, September 07, 2006

I cannot sleep - great joy is as restless as great sorrow.

(Fanny Burney)

Restless, yes, I'm restless.

Good news--the depression has broken through chemically--which means that yesterday I had an extra zing! of energy and thus was awake until 3 AM. Doing what? Not dishes, or cleaning...

Today's German lesson: aufräumen, "to straighten (room)"

No, instead I googled everyone I knew (including yours truly) and I played umpteem games of free cell and a few games of Bookworm. I also listened to the soundtrack to Wedding Bell Blues, which movie I have seem to have misplaced in my apartment, so I spent a good half hour ransacking the piles of my wreckage and then consoling myself that I can get a factory sealed copy cheap on I printed the Amazon pages--I'm not ready to admit defeat, but WHERE IS IT?

So we took down the Zoloft a notch. Today I was exhausted, so I used that comp. time and left work two hours early.

I'm at the beginning and at the end of things: in a week I'll be back at Tuesday morning Women's Bible Study, doing Beth Moore's study on the Patriarchs, which means homework every night. The following week, I start a writing class on "The Novel" to prepare for applying to the MFA program at Carlow College University. My goal is to start said program in June. Ack!

So right now I'm in between: not reading anything cataclysmic, not really making progress on stuff around the apartment. I started reading a fluff teen romance on Tuesday and finished it today at dinner.

But I have been thinking about a lot of things, and I've made a few decisions:

  • The surgery I've been making a fuss about: is ELECTIVE. And I don't want to elect to take it this fall, just as I'm coming off the depression. Day Two this cycle wasn't as bad as usual, so I want to watch this and do more research.
  • The decision to move forward about the MFA--this is huge.

The rest, I guess, aren't really decisions, but there is a lot to think about: how much I love my neighborhood, my job, and more than my job, my place of work. How I see things changing philosophically, per se, but I sure want to be in this particular geography for a long time.

Today was the funeral mass for Mayor O'Connor. I made a "date" with Mini, the little Italian lady that lives across the street. I knew I wanted to watch it, I knew she'd be watching it, and I figured, why not watch it together? I made her day, and she made mine. It was a beautiful mass, and they played two of my favorite Catholic songs, "On Eagle's Wings" and I've already forgotten the title of the other one. But it was neat to be sitting in Mini's living room as we mumbled along with the celebrants and congregants gathered at St. Paul's Cathedral. How cool, too, that the mayor's son was one of the officiating priests? He gave the homily.


Just got off the phone with Em. She and I are in similar places--there's stuff going on that's too big to talk about so we're just talking philosophy. I wonder at her--she seems to be so strong in her faith and then she surprises me with her fears, the ones she won't name. And all of a sudden I'm the strong one. (Although, I'll admit I'm quaking in my shoes.) My early morning walks are what keep me grounded. They are right now perhaps the only thing that keeps me sane. This website has been an inspiration: I print out the prayers and take them with me on my walks.

I'm laying a few fields fallow, I guess, as I prepare for a rigorous autumn schedule. So yes, I'm restless, waiting, for what I know not...


Badger said...

Hey! Good luck on the MFA thingie! That sounds pretty exciting!

PJ said...

The MFA is good and you will be wonderful.

Being strong doesn't mean you don't have fears, it just means you go on even when you do. From what I've read here you are strong and getting stronger.

Heidi Renee said...

today's pittsburgh-ese lesson:

redden up - "to straighten a room"


Sarah Louise said...

H, I almost didn't recognize you.

YES!! As I walk, I think about redding up more of the park.

Badger said...

Oh! My family says this! It must be an Ohio thing too. We redd up the living room and redd off the table.

And my grandpa always said yins. But he was from Tennessee.

Carolyn said...

If I were in pain, I wouldn't consider any surgery elective.

You sound like you have lots of extra energy. Wanna come clean my house?

Sarah Louise said...

Ugh, the extra energy is not fun, because it's fake bipolar energy. So we're working with the meds again.

And I need to clean my house first.

And the pain is not bad enough that I can't wait. I'd rather wait than be incapacitated for a week in October.