Tuesday, December 14, 2021

our souls are restless...


It's bedtime. But I have been up, laughing and deciding with my church meeting friends. (Me, I'm an elder, on Session!) We have been looking at how to spend money and whether we should fund the requests before us. We use a "filter." It asks questions like: does this jive with our sense of geography? does this jive with our sense of welcoming the stranger, however hard or easy that is? 

I am listening to quiet Christian music but all my senses are alive. I want to read poetry into the night. I want to fall in love. I want...so many things.

My Ikea chicken sits on my candles that smell like Snickerdoodles, a gift from the woman I said goodbye to with a final text, "I don't want to talk." It seems so long ago. It all seems so long ago. 

I have been in this apartment forever (or six months.) A full liturgical season of ordinary time? Almost all of Advent? It is almost Christmas, so much so that my brother's birthday will be celebrated next Sunday. 

I have a date on Saturday!! A second date!! I'm friends with a guy at work, wise with dreads. (Are dreads wise? I am drunk on tiredness.) He likes this guy for me. I do too, obviously, or I wouldn't be wasting a Saturday on him. Waste is a harsh word. Spend. I wouldn't spend my time and imagination if I didn't enjoy the company of the man I hope to see again on Saturday. 

I have found the little plaque I got at Goodwill ages ago. I keep finding things in this puzzle apartment of mine, boxes still strewn from my May move. Edged in gold-ish leaf, in fancy scrawl, it says "Prayer changes things." I do believe that. 

And on my bookcase, where I can see it when I look up, is a colored page that I didn't color. It says, "Keep Going." I am. Dammit, I'm keeping keeping on. 

Nothing better than you, Lord, nothing is better than you... (my iPhone sings to me.)

I feel like I've been on a long journey of pain and sadness and finally now, "Shame into Glory." "Mourning into Dancing" "Graves into Gardens" "Seas into Highways" "You're the only one who can." (sings my iPhone.)

Nothing, better than you...

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