I might not want to fix things anymore...I just thought maybe I should put my energy into something else for a change. Maybe make things.

(Laney, as written by Emily Franklin in Liner Notes)

Laney has just spent a few weeks road-tripping with her mother cross country. Not what she had in mind--in her mind her mother was this fragile cancer recoveree and she (Laney) was going to do the road trip with Road Trip Guy, an imaginary boyfriend who "is very good looking and an excellent mechanic."

But Laney's mom is better: the cancer that has been in all of their lives since Laney started high school is gone. Gone gone. Really gone. And when Laney talks about her long drive back to Boston from San Francisco (which she's looking forward to doing alone) her mom says "I don't like flying, I want to drive with you."

This book was like the balm in Gilead. Sad over the fight with your BF? Wistful for your summer camp days? This book goes a little overboard, but I forgive it.

This book was the perfect book for this weekend vackay I just had. I told Emily, it's like there was this torn cloth and now it's healed, with no stitches visible. Middle is considering where she and BF will get an apartment, Terzo has taken the gres and is thinking Austin for the fall, and Mom is going back to teaching in August. We've survived this--my bipolar diagnosis (8 years), Grandma's death (almost 2 years), we are moving on.

I read this book and think of my two friends whose mothers are gone now, how they'll never have this road trip with their moms and how I'd still recommend this book to them, because it is so healing.

I had to go out of county for it--an actual ILL book, but I'll be scouring Amazon for a used copy of my own soon.

The book has a green sticker on it: "Please DO NOT Remove This Green Label" (As if. It sticks right back on, I had to see what the cover looked like...) Then in the front it has stuff paperclipped in, including a barcode to use to check out the book. In the back, it had ADDITIONAL paperwork, also paperclipped to the book and stapled together. Anyways, I'm glad it worked, and the timing was excellent (no, I don't know how long it took) because it was good for me to read a book about healing families just as I was visiting mine.

So basically, the book is Laney playing a mix tape (we get to see what songs are on it) and then a backflash to that period in her life. I have one mix tape that was made for me. We're not talking right now. She called it "From Crest to Crest is a Wavelength" because that was our inside joke from Chemistry, which is where we met, in eleventh grade. It's sad, because I don't really want to talk to her--I'm not angry anymore, just disappointed.

I made mix tapes of the folk music I listened to in college (now, this is also singer/songwriter music, including but not exclusively Peter Paul and Mary style music). I wanted to introduce my friends and family to such greats as Lucinda Williams, Shawn Colvin, Patty Larkin, Christine Lavin. But I haven't had the time to make a mix tape in ages. I don't think my brother is making them anymore. (And he never made me one.)

Which is not the point of this post. What is the point, SL? The point is in the title quote. I'm tired of fixing things. I want to make things. I can't fix what happened in Boston. I can't fix my friend's lives (THOUGH I WANT TO, SO BADLY). I can't kiss it and make it all better.

But I can make things. Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold.

Eight years ago, right before we found out what was wrong, I had a collage I'd made as a "window to look out as I washed dishes." I made it ten years ago, right before I started dating the man in black. It was garden scenes and had the Chinese proverb, "Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps the singing bird will come." I gave it to Rose, a co-worker, who in return was supposed to give me one of her quilt collages. (She didn't, and then I was "airlifted" to Virginia to get my very own diagnosis.) I wonder if Rose still has it. Anyways, I've been contemplating making another one, with the same quote. I'll take a picture when I'm done. Right now, I've taken down the collages I'd put up to replace the blank space left by the one I gave Rose. So I have a blank space above the sink. Which is okay for now. But I can't wait to finish this new one. I started assembling it last night.

Oh, and in other news, Emily has a boyfriend. Yes, she went on a first date and now they're planning a future. (Um, she'd known him for about two years prior.) And the best part: I am happy for her. I really thought I'd be bitter but I am so happy for her. Which feels good. And I like him already--he was the one who heard her cell phone ring the other day when it was me calling. I'm a little scared b/c now they both want *me* to find someone, but at the same time, I know them well enough to know that they're not going to "set me up." ACK! Things are changing, and FAST.