Insomnia, thy name is Olympic

I can't help it. For the next two weeks, I will be experiencing the following:

• strange sleep patterns, such as falling asleep in front of the TV and waking up only to find that Michelle Kwan is being interviewed at 3 am (oh I do not like her).
• the Olympic anthem playing in my ears non-stop, da da da, DA, da da da. I hate that SUV commercial, but it's got the theme down....
• attempting to learn how to use my VCR, for which I have no owner's manual. Bep figured it out when she was here for U2, but we didn't have time to really play around with it...
• buying newspapers when key folks win. Last time my favorite was that girl from Hackensack, wait, it will come...Sarah Hughes.

Yes, it's been diagnosed, and it is incurable--I have Olympic fever. It happens about this time of year, every four years. No, I hear you saying "but the Olympics are every two, now that they stagger the Summer and Winter Games..." and that's where I cut you off: I do not watch the Summer Olympics. If I want to go to a swim meet, I want to be there, smelling all that chlorine and getting a little splashed, maybe. Watching it on TV does nothing...well, almost nothing. And gymnastics...maybe I'll watch for a little while, but it has not the iron grip hold that ice skating does. Any type of skating--speed, figure, pairs, singles....the ice dancing, not so much. Oh, and of course, hockey. That is a given. Hockey and more hockey. Yes, I would pay dollars to have all the NBC networks right now, so that I could take two weeks off work and sit on the couch as a potato, watching the games, non-stop. Skeleton? Love it. Bobsled? Ditto. Skiing...not so much. But I'll watch it, if it's on.

Last night Bep and I did one of those things only sisters and close female friends do--we watched TV on the phone. That is to say, we watched all the crap choreography of the Opening Ceremonies that culminates in that one moment of glory--the lighting of the Olympic flame. When did I turn on the TV? When she yelled "Poland!" We hung up before the opera guy sang, but I watched it, and then at some point fell asleep, clutching my cell phone. It is nestled in its charger in the other room, by the bed, and I am back in the TV room, writing this. I may just have to resort to the only sleeping pill that I know will work to at least get me to lie down and attempt to dream of gold, silver, and bronze medals, dancing in my head like sugar plums...yes, play The Cutting Edge on the VCR.

Bep wants to be an Olympian. I just want to go someday, be there in the stands, watch the events in real time and sleep in the same time zone as the TV people! (It comes down to one thing: sleep patterns, baby!)

Wow...for a moment there, it was like "Houston, we have a problem." I could not find the flick! But as I told you, the Bermuda Triangle effect is reversing and I am finding things at a faster rate than I am losing them, so I did not lose heart. And heart did not get lost, and I found the movie. It now resides inside the womb of the VCR, where it is creating pictures on my TV screen. It's the previews right now. Soon, it will be showing the best movie about the Olympics that I know. Why, Sarah Louise, is The Cutting Edge the best movie about the Olympics? Oh, I'm glad you asked. The reasons are three-fold:

1. It is about the Winter Olympics; it features a former hockey player and a prima donna figure skater.
2. That's three reasons all wrapped in the first reason if you can't count.
3. It has the best opening scene, which features brilliant dialogue that features the confusion between the English and German language and the word nein, which in German means no and in English, the homophone (the word that sounds exactly alike while meaning something different) is the number nine.

"You said nein, das ist nicht richtig?"

"Nine, that's right, nine o'clock!"

(They're fighting about the alarm. He said nine and she heard nein, so she didn't set one. He overslept and is almost late for the first hockey game of the Olympics.) Then there's this wonderful scene where he's trying to get all his stuff together and remember her name, getting it wrong at least three times. I know, the movie has just started with a one night stand and that doesn't sound like a movie for Sarah Louise, but the German/English humor just has got to be experienced. My dad has a great story/shaggy dog joke involving his German secretary, and while sharing a story about that joke is how I heard about this movie in the first place, from who else? Marian the Librarian. I took her copy home, watched it gazillion times, ordered my own copy from Amazon, and the rest is cinematic history.

It has some of the best lines in film. Unfortunately, imdb.com does not have them listed. Fortunately, I became a member when I wanted to read all the fuss in the discussion boards about The End of the Spear. So for the next two weeks, I may be adding quotes...

Skating Coach: "I am not hockey coach."

Doug Dorsey: "What is this?"

Skating Coach: "Maybe nothing." (hands Doug Dorsey black ice skates)

Doug Dorsey: "Those are figure skates, pal."

*****

Kate: "What is this, final stages of Ukranian alcohol psychosis?"

*****

Kate: "Get him out of my building."

Doug Dorsey: "Tempermental? I could think of a few other words..."

Kate: "Is that what you told him?"

Doug Dorsey: "Man, I'm outta here. I wouldn't wish this on a snake."

*****

Doug Dorsey: "What's the deal with the claws up front?"

Skating Coach: "It's toe pick."

Doug Dorsey: "Let me guess, it has something to do with personal hygiene."

Kate: "I wouldn't let that get in your way."

Doug Dorsey: "I don't let anything get in my way, sweetheart."

*****

He falls.

She taunts, "Toe pick."

*****

My favorite scene is when they play hockey before practice. Oh, I could go on forever. But you know what? It really is 4:15 am and I have to work tomorrow. At nine in the morning. Not nein alarm, NINE ANTE MERIDIAN.