Friday night, a synopsis in 4 acts, with discussion and notes.

Act 1: In which Sarah Louise remembers why tonight she needs to be somewhere. It's an ex-boyfriend night. Max invited me last year to the Light Up Night at this thing in the North Hills, where he played piano for a bunch of children singing Christmas songs. The following Monday, he broke up with me. So tonight, driving past all those lights, I knew, yes, this is why I'm driving to Oakmont to a film discussion group.

Act 2: I get lost. (NO, Kiki, I am not asking Santa for a GPS.)

Act 3: I show up maybe a minute late and am instantly labeled an outsider. I was the youngest person there, but I know for a fact that the next youngest person was only two years older.

Act 4: We watch the movie. And I attended my first film discussion. It wasn't quite what I thought it would be, but it was talking about a movie. The movie: Smart People, with Sarah Jessica Parker and Dennis Quaid.

So here's what I thought: when the son plays on the wheelchair in the beginning, it's mirrored later when the brother of the father plays on the grocery cart in the warehouse store. And when the Ellen Page character quotes Cosmo, it is straight out of Sex and the City (it takes half the total time you dated someone to get over them) in a movie starring Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie, from Sex and the City). And, for the record, I dated Tony for less than six months. It took twenty one years to get over him. So if that is half the total time I dated him, someone's math is really messed up. (Well, I'm messed up too, but I'm much better than I was.)

What I think about my life, the evening: Right now I am showing up. I don't know what I want, but I know I want something that has to do with showing up. I love movies, so talking about them with some Presbyterians seems like a fine thing to do every other Friday. And maybe I'll make some friends. But for now, I'm showing up. Because showing up helps clarify in my mind that crying on the way home meant something. I have a lot of waiting going on in my life right now, and some of that waiting (for Christmas, to hear about a job, for the pizza in the oven to be ready) is completely out of my control. (I can't change the calendar, force a job, and I don't want to eat frozen pizza that is actually still frozen.) But there are other kinds of waiting that require me to swim out to the ship that hasn't come in. And I'm not even sure what THAT means. I'm talking nonsense, you can see that? I'm blog-writing my way through this, which means there is a subtext that I would write about if this weren't being broadcast to the world wide web. I'm confused, so I'll be confusing. How's that for an answer to your unspoken question, "What the heck is she talking about?"

I think I need to cash in my change and go to the movies. Too bad I have to wait till February for "He's Just Not That Into You."

I'm turning the TV back on and finishing watching this episode of SATC. It's the one where Carrie dates an alcoholic who becomes addicted to her. It is so nice to know I'm not the only one that is a mess and doesn't know what she wants.

Sayonara, baby!