Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is sleep.

(my friend Marlaena)

Very full day, peaks and valleys. Had a wonderful time at small group--we were four, so instead of finishing the book we've been going through, we shared and prayed for each other. It was what we all so needed. My brain would love to do a "this is how today shaped up" and "let's praise God that I got through and not only got through, but lived some of those hours with truth and beauty." But my brain is also exhausted and so I think I'll to bed with my latest favorite book, Eat, Pray, Love. I just got to "Pray," which is exhausting, I may flip back and read more about Italy (Eat).

Wrote this in an email last night about E, P, L: Reading Eat, Pray, Love. No one told me it was about a woman getting over a divorce and that she didn't want to have kids and she has a kick-ass sense of humor. I would have read it sooner.

Night, internets. Oh, and btw, 1/2 price books gave me $25!!!

De-railed...

Ah yes, the cautionary tale returns. I heard this weekend that everything you write online you should preface in your mind with "dear future employer."

Which is why I'm Sarah Louise. (and yes, I just double-googled myself again, no traces, phew!)

Sarah Louise, who was going to go to Half Price Books (Badger's boyfriend) this morning but has run out of time.

There were a lot of things I was going to do this morning. Instead, I talked to my bank about my checks not having arrived yet, I emailed my landlord that I'd send him a money order today, and I learned from my cousin (dear dear Kiki) that online bill pay means that they'll send a check to my landlord! I have got to look into that!!

But in the meantime, I just had a quick chat with NH Sally (not to be confused with Boston Sally, who doesn't live near Boston, actually lives closer to New Hampshire, but I already have ONE NH Sally...) Had a nice long chat with Boston Sally on Saturday--it's amazing to me that we've known each other over half our lives. She just joined Facebook.

Well, I gotta run. Off to a work lunch to see pictures of Italy.

So there's this way you can win a handbag...

Handbag Planet is giving away handbags. They are launching on October 15 and on that day, to celebrate their launch, they are giving away 24 handbags (1 for each hour.) And, you get to pick which purse you want to win.

If you live in the US or Canada, you are eligible!

Plus, if you email friends, Twitter, friend them on Facebook, or write a blog (ding ding ding) post, you get more entries.

As a purse lover, this is a perfect contest for me. Here's a "Show and tell post" about purses, and here's an earlier one.

So go enter! It's fun! It's free! And you could get a free handbag!

5 minutes to write, 5 minutes to proof, and 5 min to walk out the door.

Where's my timer?

So here's the thing. We forget who we are. Daily. And we have to come back, daily. (Or at least once a week.) Otherwise, it's drama, drama, drama.

I've spent a lot of my life going after things I didn't really want. Dated men I didn't really like, applied for jobs I didn't want. Fortunately, I never got married to any of the men or got any of those jobs. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking. And right now, the looking I need to do is inward--why did I date those creeps? And outward--what jobs can get me closer to my sister? Yes, I adore my church. Yes, I have great friends. But at the end of the day, my family are really the only people I want to spend more time with. Well, besides God. And he's everywhere. I don't want to make my friends to be my family. I am a single, thirty six year old woman. I want my family to be my family. I don't want to move back to DC, because it's too humid and I like cold winters. But a job where I have weekends where I can travel? Not every weekend, but every once and a while. And close enough that I don't always have to drive. I can take a train.

And yes, I have a wonderful therapist right now. And great psychiatrists. And we will continue to do great work at getting me figured out. But I'm not going to stop looking. It's not time for that yet. What it is time for is to stop fighting with myself. It is time to start fighting for me.

Nope. I'm not going to settle. And what's more, I'm going to try to stick around the folks that won't let me settle. Yes, I have a job. Yes, it is a hard economy. But I want more than what I have right now, and it has nothing to do with the amount of cash in my checkbook.

Okay, that was 12 minutes, front to back. Shoes on, off to the therapist I go. Ding!

"Miracle of Coffee"

So. The last item I have that I tangibly associate with my grandpa is gone.

His Nescafé cup, which was made of plain glass and had the world and Nescafé etched on. I can still see him sitting there at the breakfast table. We had those bowls that were huge for breakfast and well, I can see it, but the words to describe it aren't coming quick and I don't really have time to write this.

I can tell that I'm past the depression, maybe at a "zero" in the plus five, negative five scale, which means I'm normal, woo hoo! as I didn't cry. I picked up the pieces, put them in an empty Kleenex box, and took the kitchen rug downstairs to beat out the shards that I couldn't see. I thought about taking a picture, but I'm too tired.

I'm still tempted, and I don't know if that's cuz I'm overly sentimental or that it really was the last Grandpa thing I had.

Grandma was the one who wrote cards, typed on greeting cards with her ancient typewriter, so I have stuff from her, and even a card with a magnet on the fridge. And she's only been gone three or four years--I can't remember exactly. Crap. But Grandpa has been gone since my senior year in college. And no one lives in Washington, NJ anymore, my aunt and uncle sold their house even before Grandma died.

So now I'm all awash in family memories and I have no dates to match up anything. My uncle died in 2001, I remember that b/c I was in grad school and it was a few months after 9/11. The last time we saw him alive was the weekend after 9/11. Imagine being in an airport in NY (I think it was JFK, but it could have been LaGuardia) that weekend. Everyone getting used to all the new security...there was an editorial in the NYT that day that I would love to retrieve.

Welll, time to go to work. I'm wearing my "pink is the new black" t-shirt.

People are always on the verge of tears...

(The whole quote: It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. --from the Lovely Fran Lebowitz)

I cried last night upon reading Marilynne Robinson's book. No spoilers here, no reviews either.

I cried yesterday when I ran out of time in the morning (oh, I wrote about that already.)

I haven't cried yet upon discovering I wasn't even given an interview for the most recent job I didn't get. Talking to Sally wasn't helpful, as I also told her that our library is on a hiring freeze and a nearby library had to fire their Executive and Library directors because they lost money in investments last year. She thought now must be the time for me to be glad I have a job. Which, yes, I am.

It is also time for me to look outside Pittsburgh again.

Ugh. I was planning to do stuff in the apartment today and yet I am in my bathrobe, after watching two episodes of SATC and now I've just turned on Ellen.

I'm afraid I've become one of those cautionary tale bloggers. (You know, thirty-something, depressed...)

Things will turn around soon. I promise. Even if I have to fictionalize my life, I promise better posts coming soon.

This is going to be one of THOSE posts

Which could mean it stays in "draft" for all eternity. We'll see. The problem, as I just tweeted, about being less depressed is that you actually care about things and start doing more and then when your heightened expectations collide with the reality that there is too much to do because you've been doing nothing while you were more depressed and you can't find the ~n on charmap.exe to wish a friend happy birthday in Spanish and and and...sobs ensue. It's not pretty.

I was just asked if I wanted in for "Powerball." I don't do the lottery, sorry.

Apparently, according to my hormone horoscope, I'm at the weepy stage of my cycle too. GREAT.

So I pretty much cried all the way to work. (I cried before work, and screamed expletives when I figured out I didn't have time for a shower because I hadn't put together my pills for the day.)

I'm reminded of an old Family Circle cartoon. Now, hang on, I don't go much for that comic, it's a little too "precious" for me, but this one stayed with me. Little Bill got up really early, thought he had all the time in the world, did all sorts of things, and ended up LATE for the bus.

I've also realized that I am very much affected by the lives around me. For instance, it feels like years since I've talked to my boss in Children's, a woman who is so wonderful and really my mentor in so many ways. And Marian (the Librarian) has been recovering from surgery, so it's been years since we've had lunch.

And as much as I am adoring reading "Home" (Marilynne Robinson's companion to Gilead), it is a melancholy reminder of my own life. Glory is the protagonist here, and boy do I relate to her character. I won't say more, (no spoilers) and besides, I need to write something cheery before we all collapse into a need for a case of pink Kleenex.

So, I don't have pictures. But I'll paint one for you. Months ago, Kiki (my dear cousin, who has a super-fun blog) issued me a challenge. If you wash all your dishes, I'll send you one. Now, this is no ordinary dish. It's made by Kiki, especially for me. It's pinkish with a warm yellowy glow. It is heart shaped, and at the crook of the heart, there is a rose (on I think a handle) (I told you, I don't have pictures yet.) On the bottom, she inscribed lyrics from a famous song, a song more famous than the show it is in, which is my favorite musical, Carnival. No, not Carousel. Carnival is about a naive girl who comes into the circus world, and the song you probably know is "Love makes the world go round." She also inscribed it Kiki, even though IRL that's not my cousin's name. But it adds to the wonderfulness of it.

The dish is microwave, dishwasher, and oven safe, and it comes with a little purple paper that says so. Since my kitchen looks once again like a hurricane (Ike, is that you?) took over, the beautiful dish from Kiki stays in the box for now.

**********

So the latest--have I told yins this yet? Now that I have twitter and Facebook to keep up with AND the blog, I lose where I have told people what. So the latest is that the ear infection isn't an ear infection, it's an inflammation of the jaw bone (the jaw bone is connected to the ear bone the ear bone is connected to...). So I'm to take Tylenol and eat soft foods (read: foods you can gum) for two weeks. A delicious discovery: biscotti, when dipped in coffee, is gummable. We're going to Kelly O's for lunch, as eggs are also gummable. I had yogurt with no granola for breakfast, at red lights along Rte. 8, on the way to work.

With my coffee (decaf) and biscotti, I also have a Hershey's special dark bar, because on a weepy Wednesday, this girl needs CHOCOLATE.

Somehow I thought I had hit publish. So I'll do that now.

I can't find my remote control...

Right now the local news is on. And since we're past yesterday's no electricity news (although some folks are still without last time I checked) it's all "if it bleeds, it leads" and the local crime. Yum.

Right now I'm missing a wedding that's happening at Niagara Falls, oh there we're back. The GMA weather guy, his name is Sam, is standing among the wedding guests and telling us the weather. (Not sure who the guests are since we've been told this couple was eloping.)

I am only yelling at the TV at the commercials today, which is better than yesterday, when I changed channels.

Overnight, the air has gotten allergic and I've taken another Claritin.

Oh, so hey, great news! I got a link on Intrepid Tuesdays, The First Edition!



It's an old old post, one that I wrote on the first year anniversary of my blog. But it's one I'm proud of. It was weird reading it, since it was in the early days, when I really did have a community at the blog and everyone knew your name. Now, some of us have gone our separate ways or ventured into other things and we're not as comfy-cozy. Which happens. I have no idea why it's not all linked up, but I didn't want to change a thing. It stands as it is, a relic to another time.

Daysgoby has her post "Working in the Dungeon," I'm so proud to share space with her!

Another one of my Twitter buddies, Dani, submitted her 9/11 post, "Lucky" which I guarantee will make you shiver. Go! Read!

Oh, and yesterday I saw a Monarch butterfly.

Yes, pictures. They're coming. But not today. I have to download from the camera first. Plus do things like pay bills and go to Women's Bible Study--Beth Moore!!

Some decisions I'm making...

The winders are all open and the air coming through is delicious, like the 60s!!!

Last night, after I got home from church (after I became a charter member* of my church!) I turned on the computer, to Twitter some and catch up. Also the TV, because I am a Pittsburgher, even though I do not understand football (and no, am not interested in learning, thanks!) we were playing our biggest rivals last night, the Cleveland Browns. It was raining in Cleveland, but just winding here in da Burgh. The wind meant that my electricity flickered on and off 5x before I decided to turn off the TV, the computer, and turn off my power strips, and brushed my teeth.

I was spooked enough that I called my mom, though. And while we were talking, it flicked off and on again. She said, I'd wash my face now, if I were you. Yep, did that, plus I have my flashlight right here.

So if you missed me at Twitter last night, that's where I was.

So, decisions.

When I turned on my favorite TV show, the Today show, I thought maybe Channel 11 (the local news) would give me some clue as to what happened last night. Nope, they led with some local crime story and didn't even mention a THING about the weather or what had transpired. I guess they thought the blue box that let me know that all the local suburban schools were on 2 hr delays was enough.

So that was a first reason I wanted something else, news, please!, and found it on the website of Channel 4. And when the women were cat fighting over "can women do it all" (apparently we need to have this conversation ad naseum until we get blue in the face) I flipped the station to find anything, anything. So I settled in on GMA's Whistlestop thing-y. Now, you've got to know, for me to watch anything but PBS, NBC, or FOX, I'm dealing with lines on the TV. It's not the clearest picture, and I've just never really gotten into GMA, because I always thought Today was better. But here's what GMA is doing. They are doing a Whistle Stop tour! 50 states in 5o days! And who did they have on? (Well, Obama, but I was probably either sleeping or watching Today.) James Taylor! I never knew Rockabye Sweet Baby James** was written on the occasion of the birth of his nephew.

So it was refreshing. And they finish at 9, which I never thought was a plus, cuz I don't much care for Regis and Kelly but it is a plus, because look at the time, it's 9:15 and the TV is on mute! The only noise I hear is the click of the keyboard and the fan swishing. (I'd actually turn the fan off, but I don't think it takes a lot of juice and it is a pain to turn it back on b/c it gets stuck.) Yes, it will take like 5 minutes and I'll have to wiggle with it. Anyways. Blog-writing. You wouldn't be getting this little fan story if I was writing for Vanity Fair. I would have edited it out even before someone else looked at it. But I know as much as you do that the reason we read each other's blogs is that we want the personal touch.

Yes, Regis and Kelly are talking about something. So nice to just look at them but hear nothing.

Well, gotta go. Time to get ready to see the ENT.

*Charter member, from Wikipedia: A charter member of an organization is an original member; that is, one who became a member when the organization received its charter.
**Just learned why this is funny this weekend. I'm a little slow on the uptake.

"I'm still learning."

When your page of Tweets is all you, just you, tweeting, it's time to stop. And maybe blog.

The Britta filter needs to soak for 15 min. Also, the first two pitchers are for watering plants (um, if I had any.)

So here it is: I need to save $. I need to pay down debt. Please send your money saving tips and recipes (preferably recipes that serve 1-2 people and/or make good leftovers.)

How is it that I got here and now I feel like I have nothing more to say?

I'm tired of reporting on my health: the depression is waning :) but the ear infection is yuk.

After de-cluttering almost every Sunday morning this summer, I still have so much crap in this apartment. GAH!

So, aren't you glad you stopped by?

Mwah. I promise pictures and better writing soon.

*Leonardo Da Vinci

40 minutes til I get to go to bed!!

Yes, so part of this "nip depression in the bud" is regular scheduling. As in sleep. So even though I could have easily crashed when I got home from work (early, see tweet) I am sticking to a 10 pm bedtime. And yes, today I woke up with an alarm. Well, I snoozed much-o, but at least I had enough time to take a walk and was home by 8:30 a.m.

It was a short walk, a little over a half mile, as it was also RAINING. But I really want to be well, so I determined that I WOULD take a walk even if it was HAILING.

So part of what I'm doing right now, b.s.-ing with you, is an effort to not crawl right over to my bed and climb in. 35 minutes to go...

So, some books I didn't finish: Sandcastles by Luanne Rice. The Courtyard by Marcia Williet. Not books to read when depressed.

25 minutes.

I'm sure you are SO thrilled to be reading this EXTRA THRILLING jam packed blog post so I'll give you a little something: 23 minutes.

KIDDING!

So, let's see, we have started another puzzle at work (in the break room). Um, the last one was fairly straightforward, all the pieces had an identifiable part of something in the picture. This one is a Thomas Kinkade. Think impressionism. (Not like as beautiful, but nuances and brush strokes....) GAH! But I did help put together part of the edge. All in all, I placed three pieces in during the 10 minutes before I got too frustrated.

Oh, and this is big. I sent an email to my landlord and gently suggested that we might talk about carpeting/flooring, since I've been here 12+ years. This is HUGE, as the perfectionist/procrastinator in me would rather find out every option and then talk to my landlord, and since that would take forever, I never move a finger. Can we say STUCK?

Twenty minutes! I think I can now officially change into PJ's and brush teeth.

I'll be back.

Oh, steps for today: 4762. Pitiful, but darn it, I walked 1/2 mile in the rain!

10 minutes!!

Ooooh, 5! I just went and commented on Katrina's first day of school--she's teaching kindergarten!

Okay, the last three minutes are gravy. Thanks for keeping me company. I'll be more interesting later, I promise.

All twittered out

So you may have noticed that I brought my twitter feed back onto the site (that is if you read me at the site, not from a reader...). Blackbird once tweeted to Dani3boyz that twittering is her blog. I'm finding that some days (like today) it is mine.

I'm feeling better. The ick of depression comes and goes. I am eating less, but I am still showing up for work. Yesterday I actually worked longer b/c I had a project I wanted to finish. It gave me a huge sense of satisfaction to have gotten through importing and tweaking 7 records for Star Trek TV episodes.

More later, I promise. And maybe even pictures...you never can tell...

Calling my Sallys...

So this is the status:

1. three days of sleeping past 9 am.
2. (yesterday) it takes me too long to find the word "goose" so K misses the first set that flew over us.
3. I've called almost everyone in my cell phone that might be home and left cheerful messages. (It's "little miss actress"--crying on the machine is a no no.)
   
4. I'm watching women argue about Palin on the View.
   

I NEVER watch The View. Okay, rarely. And now Sally Field is telling me that she can take a pill once a month to prevent bone loss.

August is over--the month of no therapy was NOT a good idea. (She was on vackay, I was on vackay, we didn't schedule a phone session.)

As for the View, I have to say Whoopi Goldberg has it going on. I like her.

Urg. Oh, and my new phone apparently can't call to short numbers so I am missing my Twitter! (I had my old phone set to get five folks that I know, I get their updates only, but I miss that!!) And I miss that I can't send tweets via SMS.

But am I gettting dressed to go to the AT&T store? No. I'm sitting here in my nightgown listening to five women bicker. And right now that is all I can do.

Go take a walk? Nope, I would probably shatter from being alone. Readers, let me tell you, if you have any way around it, don't get depression or bipolar disorder.

The Addam's Family M&M commercial is cute.

Something chipper? Sandcastle yesterday was WUNDERBAR! K and I had such a blast. AND wonder of wonders, we had the political discussion that I was so afraid of (we are voting for opposite men in November) and we emerged as friends. She did her "talkity talk" and then said "But that's my opinion" and poked me playfully.

We did the Blue Tubaluba twice--once in single tubes, and our last ride of the day in a double tube. It was the busiest day we'd seen. (Well, a gorgeous day and the last day of the season, duh!) We each ran into someone we knew. I tried to get my phone (yes, new phone has a camera) to take a picture of us, but apparently, I'm still learning how to use my new phone...

What else? Um, oh, I "led" our Small Group Bible Study last night--which meant, I had the book with the answers. But basically it meant letting everyone talk. It was great.

Oh, and guess what? The New New Kids on the Block are on now. They're cute! AND OLD! (Well, old-er.) And married, with many children.

And their song, "Single" is not exactly what I need right now--"I'll be your boyfriend til the song goes off."

Okay, it's T minus 3/4 hour before I need to leave for work. Maybe I'll leave now and get a fun "pick me up" lunch. Do I have a decent book to read? Um.

And what do I have to wear today...um. Maybe it's time to go look into living my life. Thanks for being one of my Sallys, dear reader. Sometimes a girl just needs to talk.

Oh, the NKOTB are singing again. (I wasn't a fan last time around but there's something about heterosexual men with good dance moves.)

Okay, I better figure out what's what. Urg. Send hugs.

I leave you as Attorney Edgar Snyder warns me against insurance companies.

TA!