It's always darkest before the dawn (Thomas Fuller, theologian)

I am forever learning about myself. Some things I have to re-learn, somethings I learn in pieces until it hits me, WHAM.

Recently I put together this about myself: when I get a low-grade something (common cold, depression) it seems to last forever. When I get it hard, it usually corrects quickly. 

(I am not a doctor or scientist. This is just what I have observed about me, by living in my body.)

This happened recently with some depression. I was seesawing up and down for a couple of weeks and then boom, the twentieth anniversary of 9/11 happened and I was a MESS.

Don't want to get out of bed, don't want to shower, don't want to eat MESS. I made it to work, I made it to church on Sunday (albeit late). And I was real with people. People asked me how are you doing and I told them. 

And then last night, I decided to just go to bed. At 8. I did brush my teeth, and I did fall asleep quickly. I woke up at 5:38 a.m. feeling decent!! I lollygagged in bed until my alarm went off at 7, and I WANTED to take a shower! Which I did. 

But like any illness, it's like getting your sea legs back. You feel that burst of health but you've been sick so long that some things have atrophied, so you forget your laptop at home, and you forget you were going to install a StoryWalk® in the front windows and the short dress you decided to wear is not an "installing" kind of dress. Fortunately, I always remember what an old boss at Fox Books said, "There is no such thing as a book emergency." I'll wear pants on Thursday (I'm out of the building tomorrow) and install it then. 

I had a "Defend Yourself" training today and WHOA was that a bit overwhelming. But I made it through the two hours of Zoom. Trainings like this are not Zoom friendly, but whatever, it's the world we live in right now. Fortunately I am home for the second training tomorrow (still on Zoom). This will give me a bit of a break. 

One of my blogging friends used to sign off every time with mtc, so I might start doing it too!

MTC! (which means "More to come.")

xo,

SaryLou

When your Burger place has a power outage...

 ...you sit in the parking lot panicking, because nothing else in the strip mall is open at 8:30 and you need dinner. You open Google maps and finally find a place called Burger 7. 

Do not go to Burger 7! OH MY GOODNESS!! I would have rather had gone to McDonalds. At least they have desserts. (I'm not talking about overpriced shakes.)

Everything was overcooked and I had a piece of gristle stuck between my teeth all the way home. At my burger place (BGR at Spout Run), they know my order, they have cheddar cheese, and they are happy to be at work. That's the difference between a small business and a chain. 

I'm reading a Christian Chick Lit book right now. The Christian part is that one of the heroes in the love triangle had a Bible with him because he was putting together a Bible study for his men's group. It's pretty cheesy fluff. 

But sometimes you need cheesy fluff. Like when you get a really nice rejection email. Yeah. I went for a manager position and didn't get it. Blech. 

So after my horrible burger I came home to my CVS, got a pint of chocolate Haagen Daaz, and watched some TV while texting my sister. 

I was up super late. Which meant I slept in. I woke up to a text from my mom, so I'm taking a vacation hour today to soothe my wild child niece who will be desperate when "Mommy" (my sister) leaves for her anniversary date. My sister has been married 10 years!!! 

Yesterday...

Yesterday I picked up a table from the curb. I carried it home. It's the spitting image of a pink table I had in Pittsburgh, except it's blonde. 

Yesterday I found a profile on Match that I liked. I couldn't think of anything interesting to say, so I asked him what he meant by "no pen pals." He didn't like me back. 

Yesterday I made a flamingo at work. It was creative and made the quiet morning hours go more quickly. I sewed it using pink and yellow felt, and gave it hot pink legs and a sticker eye. 

Yesterday I finally decided to add weeding to my list. This is when you go through old books and decide what needs to go. We have a computer program that tells us what books are "dead" (aka haven't circulated in 3 or more years) and it makes lists. I decide which books to keep. For instance, we are not weeding Gary Paulsen. You want to have all the books, because once you read one, you have to read the rest. But our audience is particular in Anacostia. Dork Diaries rule. 

        Note: We send our good books to Better World books. Our books that are in bad condition go in the         trash. No one needs a bad book. 

Yesterday I looked up Better World Books and purchased the Silver Palate Basics cookbook again. 

Yesterday I skipped my sales meeting again. I have decided to not work my business this quarter, to give myself some time to get used to living alone and taking care of my apartment. To spend more time writing and reading. I had quiche at Barnes and Noble and bought my coffee for the next month. I went to Target and finally got more groceries. I stuck to my very small list. I took my own bag. It's a Giant Eagle bag that has drawings of Pittsburgh on it. I bought about seven years ago, but it hasn't been used much. I'm determined to recycle, reduce, and reuse. 

Yesterday I talked with my health coach about abs work. Weeding made me use my abs when I took the box of weeded books from the ground to the cart. I need to strengthen my abs so that I don't injure myself every time I lift something heavy. Librarianship is much less physical than bookselling and I have let myself go, though not on purpose. 

Today? I need to buy stamps (they are going up by 4 cents!) and meet with my therapist. It's almost 8:30, I better get going. See you tomorrow! 

Thanksgiving in August

Department stores used to have Christmas in July sales. So here is a Thanksgiving in August post. Because I am very thankful.

The little things add up: I'm trying to just watch two hours of Jane (the Virgin) each day and by yesterday afternoon I'd already watched one and a half. How was I going to spend the other hours of the day? My mom texted to see if I wanted to come for dinner. This brought in so many extra thankfuls:

• I don't have groceries, so dinner was taken care of!
• My dad got to see me do my story time on FB Live and
• I got to hear in person how much my mom enjoyed it. 

Both nights that I had dinner with my folks, I ran into neighbors just at the moment that I was leaving, and that seemed orchestrated too. Sunday, I got to let my Swedish neighbors know that I had moved to Del Ray, and last night I got to see my neighbor P, who I used to walk with almost daily. Gosh I miss those walks. 

On the way home, I listened to Night Life with Brandi, my favorite DJ on the local Christian station, WGTS, and last night she had some folks call in with stories of when things seemed so hopeless but they turned around. 

The ones that I remember:

• A woman who was told she had one year to live back in 2009. 
• A woman whose college paid off her debt at the last hour. 

Right now I feel like there is no plan, I languish at work. But the small and big thankfuls and how they seemed (and probably were, thanks God!) orchestrated, I have to see that there is. Today I'm taking my tiny sewing kit to work so that I can work on sewing some felt animals, something I did two winters ago. 

Naming and not naming

My mother asked me at dinner if I was doing okay. I have no idea why I didn't name it and say, "I'm a little depressed." No, I just said, it's taking me a while to get into a routine. 

I used to talk to my mother a lot. Then I lived with her for almost five years. We talked while making breakfast, or when both of us woke up too early. When I lived alone, in Pittsburgh, I called her every day on the phone. Now that I live alone again, I don't call her every day.

After church yesterday, I could see the day yawning ahead of me. Eating somewhere, a nap, and a "Jane the Virgin" binge-fest.  

So I came up with a plan. A tomato plan. I would take my tomato from her garden and share it. 

Making dinner with her and eating with my folks last night was a good choice to quell my demons for a few hours. When she fawned over me sharing the tomato, I didn't tell her about how much food I'd thrown out because I hadn't been cooking and the food all went bad. 

Why didn't I name it? Maybe because she asked at dinner and my dad was there. Hearing and not hearing, as the moments go. I hate how he just tunes out because he can't keep track of the conversation. But I'd probably do it too. Hearing loss is worse than blindness. 

*****

I called her. I wished her a happy anniversary. She put me on speaker. I almost didn't tell her. But then I did. And she said she thought maybe I was. We talked for a while, and it was good. 

Writing helps. I had to edit out some sentences that weren't true, like giving myself some cognitive therapy. 

A little depressed. A lot going on.

 As I look around my apartment (yeah, I moved since I last wrote!) everything is unfinished, from dishes in the sink to a paused episode of Jane The Virgin, to laundry a week behind, piles of stuff...

I'm lonely. After living with my parents for 4.5 years, I come home to "me, myself and I" every night. My closest friend lives in Michigan, and my sister has a very clingy almost 2 year old. I think her 7 year old starts school on Monday. 

I'm waiting on news of an interview from one library system (what's taking so long?) and news will come next week about a job I interviewed for last week. A manager job that could start as soon as August 30. 

Smile. It was the best interview I've ever had. I slayed. I don't know if I'll get the job, but I have now had a management interview, and I slayed. So that's good. 

Not sure it's the best time to be online dating, but I'm lonely, so I took the bait. I think it was the stories that people told about my uncle at his memorial--I mean "celebration of life"--service. He had a sense of humor and the son thought he'd never see his mom laugh after the divorce but my uncle took care of her and she was alive. He made her laugh. I. WANT. THAT. Can you get that from Match.com? The jury is still out. The first guy was not like his picture at all, and I was not attracted at all, after almost 2 weeks of messaging (because I was on vacation one of those weeks.) (Otherwise I would have done a video meeting sooner.) 

Oh, and we're still in a pandemic. (And there's stuff going on in Afghanistan, and Black Lives still seem to not matter to most of the country, and there's a storm named Henri...and don't get me started on the Jeopardy fiasco...)

And I live in a neighborhood where everyone is concerned about their health and their children and their pets. I have a first floor apartment, so if I have the blinds open, I get to see everyone walk by, babies in strollers and wearable baby carriers, checking their fitness watches.   

And I have a tiny fruit fly problem. Did I mention laundry? I was going to go to Richmond today to see a museum exhibit (on mental health) that is going away on Friday but I don't see driving 2 hours there and 2 hours back for a 30 minute event, by myself. Especially when I have to go back to work tomorrow. Where I sit and do nothing, because we are still experiencing low indoor numbers (see "Oh, and we're still in a pandemic.") 

Naming things. That's what writing is. (We did an exercise at my latest church Session meeting where we gave each other words and the word given to me was "name." If I name things, it's a little less OVERWHELMING. I feel a little bit better having written this. I still don't want to do anything but lounge around in my super cute pajamas, but I did something. I named where I am. I tried. Maybe I could do the dishes? 

"Honor the space between the no longer and the not yet" (Or, some more liminal thoughts)

 (Nancy Levin)

It's been a while. Have you been waiting with me? I get it. 

So what was preventing me from writing? The list is boring. You probably have the same list: scaredy cat, the cat got sick, the dog got sick, someone waiting for a COVID test, someone else waiting to make a career decision, waiting, waiting, waiting...

My nails are waiting. I bought a fancy nail polish set on the Internet a month or so ago and my nails are still too long, cracked in places, and unpolished. The brown square box is underneath some mail. 

Honor the space...

I honor the space between me and my unkempt nails. 

At the moment, I can't do anything about them because I'm not at home, where the box is. (Also, could I really justify stopping a writing to do my nails?)

...Between the no longer...

I no longer want my nails to be unpolished, cracked, unkempt. 

...and the not yet. 

Writing this, I feel incredibly silly. Who cares, Sarah Louise, if your nails are pink like flesh or pink like polish? 

What does it have to do with making a career decision? 

I'll tell you why I haven't opened that box. Because painting your nails, even with the fanciest polish, requires waiting. Requires patience. Who wants to open a box just so they can wait some more? Who wants to send out a resume just to wait for the automated response, the inevitable interview, and then the phone call or letter that (it seems) never comes? 

I shift in my chair.

Let me tell you about my favorite song. It's by a Polish artist, Basia, and it's called "Time and Tide" It's all about waiting for the right moment. And waiting, and being patient. The lyrics aren't necessarily anything special, but coupled with the music, it's magic. 

 

And that's what waiting is. Nothing special, until it's put to music (after the waiting, after the writing, after the painting.) 

Here's your link to the countdown clock. When I'm writing this, it's 47 days till the Inauguration, 21 days till Christmas, and 28 days till 2021. People are doing their nails, making Christmas cards, writing their resumes. And maybe, as I wait, I can do some of those things too. 

Happy First Week of Advent! 

"This year's felt like four seasons of winter..."

 

(Unspoken, band, song: "Reason")

I remember hearing this song last January, as I parked my car and walked to church. Boy, did I have no idea. None of us did. "Always winter, but never Christmas" (a paraphrase of C.S. Lewis' description of the reign of the White Witch in the first Narnia book The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.) 

And here it is, almost Thanksgiving. We're in our fourth season of winter. I wrote in a tweet last night, "Here's the thing: they are sacred days but they are different this year. We can't get stuff, so let's celebrate with what we got, let's celebrate, but it's got to be different this year. We can't insist on tradition, we have to create different magic." 

Not everyone is going to be at the table. Some have died. Some are sick. Some are sheltering in. I hope your loved ones are all in the third category. Not everything is going to be at the table: there are shortages, and sides that would have been made by the missing ones at the table. 

Grim. 

But if you listen to the song, it tells you that LOVE is the reason. Love keeps coming back, love goads us on to keep trying. The video I didn't show is of Evel Knievel type child, trying stunt upon stunt. I couldn't keep watching this child, as each time he tried, he left the hospital with a sling, or crutches, or worse. At some point the father gets him a helmet but it was too late for me, I thought, we'll go with the Lyrics video. 

"All we need is just a little patience"

(Axl Rose)

*warning, the video is NSFW*

This song was popular the year I dated A.J., who idolized Slash, of Guns and Roses. (Red Flag anyone?)

It was also the year that had a lot of waiting and the results of patience:

Results of patience: The Berlin Wall Fell. (28 years!)

Results of patience: I graduated from high school and went off to college. 

Waiting: to get through on the phone to my parents, who were living in Poland, while I was schooling in Pittsburgh. I swear, this is one reason I think I have patience with technology (when I have patience with technology, which isn't always.) I would call Vienna. When I reached Vienna I would punch in the numbers to call Poland. (I know this doesn't make sense, but it's how the phone lines worked.) And invariably, I would get this recording: "The country you are trying to reach is busy right now, try again later." And I would sit in the phone booth on the 9th floor of Frances Warde Hall and pray and cry and try again, 10 times, 13 times, 17 times, until I finally got through. 

Waiting: to get to see my parents, I'd hop a plane in Pittsburgh, maybe change in New York, fly to Frankfurt, arrive in Warsaw. All told, about 13 hours, including all the layovers. Once I was waiting during some snow and instead of New York, I flew from Pittsburgh to London. Fortunately, there was a guy there (cute!) who was also going to London, so we waited together, sharing stories about places we'd lived, as he was also a TCK (Third Culture Kid, someone whose parents were working overseas). 

And isn't that what makes waiting easier? Someone to shoot the breeze with? Someone to remind you that it's not futile, all this waiting. We're going somewhere, and we're going to get there, but let me tell you a story while we're waiting. 

Is that maybe why we celebrate Advent? To help us tell stories until we get to Christmas? Not just to prepare our hearts (which is of course important) but to calm us down from all the anticipation. 

So tell me a story, in the comments. When was a time someone made waiting easier for you? 

"We keep waiting"

(John Mayer)

This has been a hard morning. 

I had to pay a bill late b/c I forgot to pay it online yesterday. Hello, late fee!

I ugly cried because I miss my friends, one in particular, who stopped talking to me in April. 

I had to figure out why my credit card bill was so high. Oh, hello, things I've been paying for and not realizing it. 

And my Bible study was all about how the Jews and Christians were so at odds but they finally came together. Oh, how I'm waiting on that to happen in this nation I live in (the U.S.A.)

 

"Every bad situation is a blues song waiting to happen"

 (Amy Winehouse)

What do you do when all the waiting (or some of it at least) is over? Yesterday I felt bereft, so I took a long nap. It's that feeling, after you've been in a play production in high school, all the work that you put into the production and then, in two days, it's all over! 

Grief sets in. How can it not? Life hasn't changed, but all of a sudden this big thing you were striving towards, working on, praying about, HAPPENED. 

It's like watching the Awards show and yes, it's fun and glitzy but then you have to get up and go to work the next morning. 

That's what this in between feels like. Because we now know who will be president, but we haven't started Advent, and the start of the new presidency is still 72 days away [Countdown timer].

I was struck by the reality of this tweet: "Everything is quieter now...and when the world gets quieter, grief turns up its volume." (Shannon Dingle, a writer who recently lost her husband and is raising 6 kids on her own.)

I'm so behind...all the work I haven't done because I've been too distracted. Not a very exciting blues song, but a blues song nonetheless. "I got so much to do bum bum...I don't know what to do, bum bum."

What's the blues song in your life?

***

Three things:

• Sleep: Discombobulated due to the nap.
• Walk: upcoming
• Work: I'm "teleworking" today, and have so much to catch up on. Thankfully I have a holiday on Wednesday. 

Final thought: I keep thinking about the author of It is well with my soul, because I heard the story again in my online Bible Study. 

When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul

Comment prompt: What is the blues song in your life?

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance — waiting for the bathroom.”

 

(Bob Hope)

Oh my blesseds. Well, one waiting is over. [Reuters]. I have to say, click the link, it's so satisfying to watch the numbers go from 0 to WON! The pictures above: these graced my desk at my old job 4 years ago, when my life fell apart from depression and then I decided to move to Virginia to live with my folks. Today marks 4 years of when I voted for a woman for President [Wikipedia] for the first time. I packed my car, I went to the dermatologist, and I voted. No line, just a cupcake from the bake sale at Dilworth Elementary. 

Can we laugh a minute? Four Seasons Landscaping????!! As the story goes, and I'm sure it will either become a myth from now on, 45 announced it would be at the Four Seasons and when it was confirmed, the Four Seasons Hotel said, no, it will be at Four Seasons Total Landscaping. I will never not laugh, and I'm planning to buy a T-shirt. I just bought a mask from Victory Masks DC, because I can't wear anything political at work.

I was all prepared to write something pithy and memorable but all that T-shirt and mask buying really killed my creativity. A LESSON IS IN THERE. (Today, I don't care.) 

***

Three things:

• TV: Watched A LOT of news yesterday. 
• Sunrise: today's was beautiful
• Something else: I can't think of anything. (Seriously, don't write and shop.) (It's like drinking and driving. DON'T DO IT.) 

Waiting...for wings and things

So we as a nation are still waiting for an answer. Waiting for votes to be counted, [Reuters] to be declared.

As we wait, a title keeps coming back to me: Waiting for Wings, which I think is a Lois Ehlert title. Lemme check. Ooh, I found a YouTube video!

Let's see if I can embed it: 

I'm a children's librarian by day and a network marketer by night. I also write, walk, and watch lots of Jane the Virgin on Netflix.

But we're talking about waiting here. I like this book and video because it continues to go back to the life cycle again and again--waiting isn't a one time deal, it's something we all do, again and again. 

Three things:

• Video I watched this morning: Joe Biden being patient and calm.
• What I ate for breakfast: Raisins with Grape Nuts and Oat Squares
• Thankful for: a day to dig in. I have a lot of work to do to get ready for Christmas in my network marketing business with Mary Kay. 

Liminal places and waiting

I think it was Nadia Bolz-Weber who said we are in a liminal time right now. It sounds like something she would say, but I can't confirm.

Liminal:  Of, relating to, or being in an intermediate state, phase, or condition. 

We're actually in the threshold of three different stages of waiting, at least. The three that I am identifying with are:

1. Waiting for a Presidential Candidate to be declared President Elect [Reuters] (from now until ??)
2. Advent [Wikipedia] (the time that Christians designate to "wait for Christ" and Christmas)
3. Waiting for the Inaguration [Countdown timer] (because if Biden is President Elect, there will be all kinds of nonsense from #45)

There are other things we are waiting for, of course, like the Winter Solstice (when the days stop getting shorter and start gettting longer), Friday (which happens to be today, woo hoo!) and...(fill in the blank). 

That's a good comment prompt. What are you waiting for in this season? 

I thought of creating an "advent" calendar using toilet paper rolls and tissue paper and chocolate and verses about justice and waiting but I don't think I have that kind of time and patience. And I do need a writing project right now. 

So I'm going to show up here every day from now until January 20, 2021 (within reasonable limits). And I'm going to talk about waiting in some way/shape/form.I don't know what it will be like, but come along, if you dare. 

***

Podcast I listened to this morning: Food and Faith Podcast: "Conversations on Hope and Lament"

Book I'm reading: The Off Season by Catherine Gilbert Murdock

What I saw along my walk: Zinnias in various stages of living and dying, and roses, same. 

This is a fall picture that was previously published to this blog, a look out on my back yard from my third floor walk-up in Pittsburgh. I currently live in Falls Church, Virginia. 

I love comments! So just to recap: what are you waiting for in this season? (Or anything else you want to put in the comment box that is PG-13). I reserve the right to police the comments. 

Camus on a rainy day...

i've never read Camus, but he's got a lot of great quotes, like this one:

In the midst of winter, i found within me an invincible summer.

And this one, which i had on a plaque in my bathroom:

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. 

This is one I need to learn and relearn again. I'm relearning it with Henry. Remember Henry? He's the guy I thought was crushing on me only to find out he's just a friend, which is okay too.

Today I was grumpy. I had to do some lady kind of laundry this morning, I was running late, I couldn't find my Advent devotional on Mary, not that I would have had time to read it, and I was feeling sorry for myself and crampy when Henry came down for lunch. So I pretty much ignored him, read my book.

And then I saw that I had to do my dishes. So I started a conversation with Henry, who has stuff going on too. It felt good take the focus of me, to listen. In the end, that's what matters. Listening to people when you finally have the energy to not be grumpy.

I don't want to write/I want to write

It all comes back to Pierre. "There once was a boy named Pierre/Who only could say I don't care"

He stays home and a lion comes and eats him because he doesn't care if the lion eats him and the moral of the story is "CARE!"

I think none of that made sense unless you are familiar with the Nutshell Library by Maurice Sendak, popularized in the 70s TV show, "Really Rosie," music and vocals by none other than Carole King.

I linked it up.

It's 10:53 and I work at 2:30. Which means I need to leave by 2, or 1:55 is better.

So I bought a Lenten devotional, and wouldn't you know it, unbeknownst to me when I purchased it, it's about poetry and they hope you write poetry, they write about it in the introduction, which I promptly closed when I got to that part. How dare the Holy Spirit trick me like that!!!

My mother is sitting next to me, writing emails.

Today or yesterday I read that Lent is a gift. It's not another self-improvement kick, it's a gift from God to let us be.

I can't write anymore. I won't write anymore. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. Okay, I care, but I don't see how anything can come from these ashes. Huh, the whole point of Lent is that we can't see what's becoming of the ashes. Humph. I'm going to hit publish and go get my laundry from the basement.

paper cuts...and other thoughts

(Thursday, November 1st)

Tis the season...for paper cuts.

If you work with books, the air is drier these days and even a book cover can cut and start that bleedin'.

I didn't go for a walk this morning. Or mass. I could have, I should have... (coulda, shoulda, woulda). It's a beautiful fall day and I still hate this keyboard even with short nails.

The day won't be a total waste, I'm going downtown to the Library of Congress for lunch with my friend D. We go to a cute diner there. We are both huge diner fans.

Will I ever get used to this keyboard?

I don't want to write about the shooting in Pittsburgh, and how numb I feel.

I don't want to write about why I stay in bed most (ALL) mornings until the very last minute.

*****

(Wednesday, November 7th)

So, the midterms happened. 100+ women got elected, it was a high turnout election, and all the races were tight. Democracy at work!!!

I was up late last night watching TV because I could--I work today at 2. But wouldn't you know it, I woke up at 7!! I'm sitting here in my jammies, writing this. I think I'm a little hypo-manic. Lack of sleep will do that to you. I should definitely go for a walk. Which I think I will, soon. But first, just some writing.

In the back of my mind, I still want to get a PhD in Children's Lit. Or do an MFA in writing. I don't see either of them really happening, but stranger things have...it's not that I don't believe in myself, it's that what are the job opps after I do something like that? I still think about Mary Kay every time I see a Cadillac of any color.

After today, I will have news. I don't know if it is good news yet. I'll keep you posted.

Lunch with D was good, but not as laughter induced as usual. Monday, we meet with 2 other librarians for our "federal holidays pizza." (They work federal jobs so have the day off, I requested the day off.)

I don't know what else to write about, except that I have a few people rooting for me as a writer and so I guess I'll hit publish one more time. Stay tuned. If I have news, you'll hear about it, though maybe not here first.

untitled

My new sneakers may not be pink. 

As an aside, I hate this keyboard. It is not made for people with nails. (AKA it was invented by a man.) 

I need new shoes because running shoes are only designed for 300 miles. Which is about 6 months if you run 7 miles a day? I didn't do the math, I'm trying to remember it from an online article I read.

I feel like I need to cut my nails to continue writing this post.

But the movie keeps me downstairs. The clippers are upstairs.

What movie, you ask? Oh, just the most beautiful, most depressing, most redemptive..."Sex and the City." I got to miss the horrible wedding part because my mom called.

OH EXPLETIVES. 

My nails are now short. Like the man who created this keyboard. 

I'm back. The movie is over but now the first episode of SATC is playing on "E."

I should go to bed soon. 

But this is a classic episode. I swear, I never thought I'd still be writing this blog at 46, unmarried. 

I almost deleted that last line.

This post reads like a thread on Twitter. Have I forgotten how to write long form? 

THERE ARE SO MANY COMMERCIALS! 

A friend called one of my earlier posts a "moment in time." Well, this moment is over. Time to sit in front of the TV instead of watching this episode in the reflection of the framed map of the world.

Cardigan day, therapy, I need a drink, what to name this post?

So, in case you have been outside Pittsburgh too long, or you don't find yourself on the RIGHT social mediums (TWITTER, Insta), today is #CardiganDay. I don't know if it's hit Facebook. Maybe I'm just being elitist. But I'm not going to pull myself away from this riveting blogpost to check.

My mother just walked in with a new haircut so my time to write is limited, I imagine.

Which is why I'm not going to get up to get a drink of water.

Today I did not want to get out of bed. Once I did, I got ready for an online job interview, sat on hold to find out how to apply to a job at my job (the aforementioned kids lead quit or something), went to lunch with my mother, got through to someone at HR, cleaned up a cover letter and a resume, submitted an application, and went to therapy. Whew!

I never want to go to therapy and I'm always tired when I'm there and when I leave but my therapist does have insights and she is the smartest therapist I've had since I moved dahn South. (That's down South for you non-Pittsburgers.)

I may go to Pittsburgh for the 50th anniversary of one of my former employers. The librarian who invited me on FB was actually their first children's librarian and I think still works there at least one day a week.

I miss blogging, but the pressure to write something riveting every once in a while as opposed to something sort of great every day is real. I think that's a run on sentence. I don't care.

And that's all, folks. A moment in the life of Sarah Louise.

Flopping...

In about a half hour, I have to make sure the freezer door is on the porch. I'm having a "flopping" morning, which is Sally's word for just, well, doing very little. By now my Kindle may have downloaded Season 1 of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, which I have watched three times but want to watch again because the new season drops soon.

My father has been in the hospital for pneumonia. Hopefully today he'll transition to a rehab center, I think that's what they are called. My phone is upstairs and on vibrate, so I haven't gotten the latest texts if there are any.

I still keep a "blog roll" on the side of this blog, and it's coded to let me know how recently folks have written. Kristin Cashore, a fiction writer, wrote this piece (On Writing Through Hard Times) 4 days ago and it gave me some hope as I am going through a difficult time myself.

29 minutes till I need to move the freezer door.

28  minutes.

Difficult times are hard to describe. I think the most difficult part of right now is that I haven't found a place to be yet. I'm in between. I go to work, and there, no one knows I'm a children's librarian, perhaps something I should have publicized a little more because they just hired a third "kid's lead" and it wasn't me because I didn't even know the job was available. It would be a step down from my current position as head cashier where I count money like the king in his counting house from that nursery rhyme. And I am currently interviewing every chance I get for children's librarian's positions and starting a sub position today at a local library, something I hope will be a chance for me to get my foot into the door.

I still have dreams at night about my Pittsburgh apartment, and my Twitter bio still says I live in a third floor walk up, geographically located in Pittsburgh. My heart says not yet to changing it.

21 minutes. All 8 episodes of MMM have downloaded.  

This post is turning out to be like the last one, which I wrote last February. Going nowhere, slowly. So I think I'll say goodbye, for now, and hit "Publish."