in which Sarah Louise pulls up some baggage and looks at it

Well, I said I wasn't going to go into stuff about the boy, and I'm not, really, this is my own stuff, the boy happened to be a part of it in a small way in that he happens to be my boyfriend on one of the worst days I've had in a while.

So.

Last night I had to face a ton of demons b/c of not getting into the SMS (secret midwestern school) and then b/c I didn't hear from the boy.

And this is what it came down to:

Either he was eaten by hyenas and no one knew to call me because I'm not sure he's told his family we're dating,

or

he was so emotionally stunted that he didn't know how to deal with my pain.

In actuality, he forgot his cell phone, and he probably didn't check his email every hour or when he got home last night.

This has nothing to do with him, it has to do with me. And talking with Sally didn't get any of this out because, while I love her dearly, she's pretty logical and that doesn't help when I'm spinning. Thankfully, Lilly was around, so we talked. And this is what came out: that when Max totaled his car, I was there for him. At 2 in the morning, he was sitting on my couch and I was there for him. When I totaled my car, about a month later, he was not there for me. And he couldn't make time to help me look at new cars. Granted, there was a lot of other stuff going on, but the main thing was: he didn't have the emotional resources. So I made excuses for him. So it wasn't exactly that he was a jerk (unlike many guys who I dated who really really were), it was that he wasn't qualified for the job.

There's a quote from Friends where Monica says, "I'm not high maintenance, am I?" And Chandler, says, slowly, carefully, "so if they say you're high maintenance, that's okay, because I like maintaining you."

Chandler: I’m sorry. You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like … maintaining you.
(The One With The Joke) 

I HATE how Google doesn't do "cache" searches anymore and I had to go through the whole episode script to get the quote.  Except that it is a good episode. I love that Friends Cafe still has the scripts up.

And now I'm tired and I have to start this day. Coffee. I need coffee. So this is not the best post ever, but it accomplished the catharsis necessary.

eat chocolate

right now I'm eating chocolate ice cream. And wearing my mother's winter coat, which has been mine for a few years now. She's not here to hug me, but the coat is warm. Taylor Swift is singing "Ours" which is thankfully on the Target "exclusive content" version of "Speak Now."

Life makes love look hard
the stakes are high
the water's rough 
but this love is ours.

I got word from the secret midwestern school. There were maybe 25 words in the email, but the only one I saw was no. My heart is broken, a little bit, actually, a lot. I knew it was a long shot, but I thought it was a long shot that I was going to get into the basket, the three pointer from the penalty line. (Is that even basketball speak?)

I am at work, trying to just get through this cart of books. I've heard from my parents, but not from Sally or the boy. And I need to hear from them. But it can't be about my drama. It must NOT be about my drama. They will soothe me soon enough, just as I have soothed them, just as I will soothe them again.

One of my favorite writers, Mitali Perkins, calls depression "The Jailer." Yes. I'm in a physical mental jail right now. My arms feel like lead even as my fingers dance across the keys to type this sentence.

If this was a movie 
you'd here by now.

HA! Yes. But life is not a movie. So I will go back to checking catalog records and Dewey Decimal numbers and then I will drive home, numb.

**the title refers to what you do when the Dementors come. You eat chocolate.

Everything but the kitchen sink...no, everything AND the kitchen sink!

As I write this, "I believe in miracles" by Hot Chocolate is playing on my iTunes. Yes, that would be a clean and empty sink. Not all dishes are done, but we must pause and pay our respect. A clean sink...is a beautiful thing.

Happy Valentine's Day...

This post is a tribute in a way to my friend Holly, who often blogs with a few photos and a few words. I, of course, can't seem to do small things (I'm trying) but also am a little hopped up on cold meds, so I offer this visual storytelling of this Valentine's Day. And a link to an old post, which was not posted on Valentine's Day, but I think fits here.

My tools of the trade. I have committed to doing a collage a day for every day this month. At the end of this month I'll maybe hear from the secret Midwestern school that I have an interview. The collage project means that at the end of the month, I'll have 28 collages, whether or not I have an interview. (I started on the 2nd, I know this is a leap year.)

Cuppa tea in my favorite Polish pottery tea pot. My slippers either need major reconstructive surgery or need to be replaced. But aren't they pretty?

The boy and I both have a nasty cold. Happy Valentine's Day!!

Every year my dad sends me flowers with the same card, "thanks for making every day Valentine's Day." (It's an inside joke.) And every year as I get older, I wonder, will I get flowers this year? So when I bought my vaporizer last night at Walgreens, I bought myself three buds (also, they smell great, which I think is important when you have a cold.) The card is an old one...I keep EVERYTHING and especially those cards. 

Today's collage, from More Magazine, November 2011. Minimalistic, but hey, I have a cold, PMS, and there are no rules for a good collage. Do I like it? Yes. There you go.

Vindication for my love of Kathryn Stockett's book "The Help."  How did "Kitty" come about writing this book? THROUGH her friendship with Octavia Spencer. Her friendship with Octavia inspired the book. And then, hello, Octavia won a Best Supporting Actress Golden Globe for the movie. This article in November 2011's copy of More magazine was about women's friendships. I'm not trying to start a fight in the comment box.

a piece of the collage on my bedroom wall.

The monster from "Pat the Beastie" a book that parodies "Pat the Bunny." I gave it to my grandmother and well, I got a lot of those gifts back when she died. The safety pin earrings are my own addition.

Valentine card from the boy, with my Valentine card to him still in the envelope.(Yes, lucky me, I got mine early b/c he wanted to make sure the address was correct.)

A long time ago, someone told me about someone buying a pair of men's jeans at Goodwill and praying for God to fill them. I bought this shirt at Goodwill YEARS ago and prayed for God to fill it.(It looked a lot better then, it was beautiful and pressed.)

My breakfast. I am cooking more and enjoying both the process and the results. Also, there's a whole raisins thing with Song of Solomon if you want to go there.

Our family has always loved frogs b/c my mom's friend V. always says, "someone you know needs a frog." So I have a lot of plastic frogs. This is the top shelf of my kitchen shelf. It is a formerly gray utility shelf that I painted white.

Some cute toys I've bought at Valentines Day over the years. Yes, a frog. Push his "heart" and he says "I love you."

My watch, ring, earrings, from when I took them off last night.The pine bookcase is one that I've had since I was at least 7 years old.

"Nobody sees a flower really; it is so small. We haven't time, and to see takes time - like to have a friend takes time." Georgia O'Keefe. This is from when there were stamps of some of her flower paintings, years ago. If you bought a sheet of stamps, you got this great image. It's pasted onto a cover of an old ledger book.

My grandma and me. The cigar box is probably a Honduran box, from when we lived there. The wood smells so wonderful, and the boxes are so great for holding stuff.

A paperclip that I twisted into a "W" ages ago. The books are mine, too, and the "W" is on a Jacob's Ladder, an Amish toy.

Close-up of a tray that is also made of Polish pottery.

some fake pearlish flowers. I like the colors.

"My God, we're going to have to skate home. Hell just froze over."

(Miranda Hobbes, as played by Cynthia Nixon, Season 4, Episode 13)


So, first off, I am hating this new Blogger interface. I might have to start composing in Word and then importing, the way Babelbabe did in the day.

Secondly, the reason this place has been blank (and previous to that, all about poetry) is that I *have* met a guy. And like Samantha, I'm not kissing and telling.

Samantha: I don't want to talk about it.
Carrie: (sing song) Samantha likes a guy, Samantha likes a guy.
Samantha: I do not.
Charlotte: You do! You do! Or you would tell us all the dirty details. 

He is a special guy and I want to be private about it. We've been going out for a month. (I think I'm becoming a grown-up, now that I'm in my forties.) (Wow, that sounds crazy. Me? Forty? I don't feel a day over 29.) 

In other news, this is the month of waiting. At the end of February, I will know if I have an INTERVIEW (read: the last hoop to jump through) with the secret Midwestern school. So, because the only thing I can do is pray and ask everyone I know to pray (for God's will, for his purpose to be known), I have given myself a creative project. One collage, every morning before breakfast. 4 magazines, one piece of cardboard, go! It's very freeing, sort of like morning pages from Julia Cameron's book, The Artist's Way. I may take pictures and post some here. At the end of February, I may have nothing, I may have to start my school search all over again, but I will have 28 collages. (I started on the 2nd of the month.) It is also serving as an excellent way to clear out all the old magazines I can't bear to throw out because I need them for collages. I think maybe next month's challenge will be to work with all the pages I've torn out but not done anything with yet. (And I have tons of those. Especially since every day this month I'm tearing through 4 magazines a morning.)

How are things in your world? What projects are you working on? What's the weather like where you are?

I am hearing my first birds of the new year, as I sit in my chair in the front room.