If morning ever comes...

I've been coping. I've been watching Aaron Sorkin's movie "A Few Good Men." (I know, he only wrote it, he wasn't the director, but the script is so good that in my mind, it is his movie.) I have been watching it every night for the past few weeks, after it came on TV a few weeks ago. It has been my baseline, my anchor, my background noise. It has nothing to do with romance. And the concept of military law is so removed from any part of my life that it is an escape. And it has beautiful moments of humor, even as events on screen are as serious as a heart attack.

Today, I've mostly just hung out in my bedroom, watching "A Few Good Men," playing Free Cell and Solitaire on my computer, hanging out on Twitter, Facebook, and feeling numb. At some point, I straightened my bedroom for 15 minutes. (I set the timer.) I sort of watched TV for a while, settling on the Country Network, which plays country music videos all the time. And this song, sung by a very old Johnny Cash, came on. And the pain did something: it woke me up. And I started writing this post.

I think what hit me was the truth of it: "I will let you down. I will hurt you." Because it's the truth. We will be hurting and letting each other down from here until kingdom come. Anyone that says otherwise is lying. And Johnny Cash, well he is like the king of pain, he knows from hurting. 

Hurt by Trent Reznor (of Nine Inch Nails). Johnny covered this song shortly before he died.

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

[Chorus:]
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way 
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The title of this post is from an Anne Tyler book with the same title. If I knew where my copy was, I'd dig out the reference. Maybe tomorrow.