"Life is messy, wear a smock..."

(from a greeting card)

This winter, three of us librarians on twitter were in a good place, having deactivated our OKCupid online dating accounts. We all had boyfriends, we were happy. This summer, D. got dumped, I was in limbo land, and K. got engaged. And then I was no longer in limbo land, I was in no boyfriend land.

My last post tied things up nicely, sort of like a Jane Austen book. The reality is less like a bow, more like a tangle. Now that I can't have him, I want him. (Well, I never didn't want him, he was the one that ended things, however murkily.) At work, I see him, he smiles, we have short conversations. I'm like a moth to the flame. Messy? You betcha.

I have seen my friends do stupid things for love, I have done stupid things for love, and I don't anymore want to be that girl that does stupid things for love anymore, except, well, oh. When I see him, he is just so cute.

It's not about the eye candy, it's about the fact that we had a connection. We were us, once upon a time.

Hopefully, over time, I will develop other interests. But right now, with my stress levels at gazillion, I just want a date, a hug, a kiss, with the man I knew in February. (Yes, I know that man doesn't exist anymore, you can't step in the same river twice and all that.) 

I'm a romantic, and I confess that I still hold out the teeny tiniest hope that the boy could turn out to be "The One." However, I'm more and more thinking that he's probably like Charlotte's first husband, Trey MacDougal, from SATC. He seemed so good on paper, (and often in person) but in the end, he didn't have that "stick to it" quality that you look for in a mate.  

In other news, I am looking at cars. Online, in person (today I went for a test drive) and I've started the financing game. It's all about how long have you lived where, how long have you worked where, what's your gross income, etc. Boring stuff, but working the same place 10 years, living the same place 11 years, well, that helps.

And my life is all about doctor's visits. Between three visits a week to the chiropractor, and followups on the blood tests I had in mid July, I have been to see a doctor of some sort every day this week. Yesterday, while AT the chiropractor, I got a text from the chiropractor's office reminding me of my appointment for today. Every time my phone chirps and I get a text from the chiropractor, I think, I USED to get texts from my boyfriend.

Life is good, but it is hard. I'm hanging from a very thin thread, but as my father says, "we know from spiders that a thin thread can be very very strong."